I'm feeling a lot about the need for a more and more eternal aligning perspective. I'm wondering how to align the axis of our lives with Christ. How do you really raise kids? Do a job? Clean the house for Christ? Is it about gratitude, giving thanks? Is it about attitude? Does not griping about the dishes really matter? Or is it about finding the everlasting in the every day? What lasts beyond here?
Souls and that is all.
It is all. I like about the oldest and his development of stammer. He's right on the cusp of it. He trips over his words sometimes and it breaks my heart. Is this because of how often I silence him because I can't listen to four people at once? Is it because I want too much for him to understand that not interrupting is important? Is it really that important? Adults are no more people than children why can't they interrupt our conversations but we can interrupt theirs? My heart is breaking over this. I commit Rowan, I commit I will stop doing that. Exercise your voice; being heard is important. I know this because it is important to me.
I'm practicing fasting this lent. It has been full of starts and stops. As a woman who has struggled with her weight this is really interesting to me. Partially because it doesn't feel AT ALL like a diet. It's hard yes and I have had full days where I've completely ignored fasting but to do something like this for Jesus. It's so freeing. I would love if this fasting thing had a dramatic affect on my weight. I would love it if I lost 20 30 lbs doing it. But as I was thinking about that I was realizing how non-eternal that is. Yes, it would be a glorious gift to be thin again. I would be happy about that, extremely happy. But I would also be walking around puffed up with pride. I know that weight loss can come with discipline but I believe for me it will have to also be a gift from God's own hand. My body, at least this one is not eternal. Consumption with how it looks is earthly, annoying as that is, I have to accept it. If I want an eternal perspective than I need to focus on things that last forever.
And fasting; the work that does to one's soul, that is eternal. Every time I make the conscience choice to not eat a grain or potato I think to myself - "I'm choosing Jesus" And Wow that's amazing to me. To know I can eat until I'm full as long as I don't eat from that tree. It's like, no Duh. Of course I will do that. My fasting does stink at times. I fail and think "I can't get through this day without carbs" "I cannot face Jonathan without some kind of comfort food" But God is gracious. He's letting me have my coffee. Thank you for your love Lord. I'm in awe of how merciful you are to me in this fast. Please be merciful to me in this life.