Love is not love
Which alters when it
Or bends with the remover to
O no! It is an ever-fixed
That looks on tempests and
is never shaken;
It is the star to every
Whose worth’s unknown,
although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool,
though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s
Love alters not with his
brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the
edge of doom.
Love is not love which alters when the flame of passion is snuffed out.
Or bends with the wind blown in by discontent.
Love is not love which removes when compatability disappears like nail polish remover working a week old chipped manicure. You can not erase love like nail polish. It's remnants will remain like tentacles around a joint; to extract each one individually would be excruciating. If something does not remain it was not love to begin with.
But wait true love cannot even be removed. While the loving thing is not always staying that doesn't mean by leaving you are choosing not to love. Perhaps the most loving thing to do is to leave someone to sit with themselves for a while. I think of Ellyn* who had to leave her husband and move hundreds of miles away and get a divorce all while fighting tooth and nail to love. Her story is not over and yet it's at a sweet stage where they are being reunited and remarried this summer. Good for her I want to say.
But when will it be good for me or you? We have fought like cats and dogs since the day we got home from our honeymoon. Years of not fighting were only punctuated with apathy and distance. When will we find a rhythmn that we actually enjoy? When will love and life simply be happy or contented if not always peaceful.
I find that I discount happiness. Or under value. It seems unholy to value happiness, surely God can use me more if I'm contrite and miserable? While I'm sure that happiness should not be the goal. I'm also sure that I have been miserable for a very long time. The trick seems that a lot of people in the faith seem to devalue happiness because the world goes about searching for it in the wrong way. I don't think my happiness will be found in things or home improvements or children who behave more or being skinny or my husband doing all the things for me that he says he will do. There are times that I really do think those things will make me happy just like the rest of the world. But down deep I know that is not true as do a lot of Jesus followers and wanting to teach that to others: Christians go about condemning happiness.
They want people to realize that the external doesn't matter as much as the eternal.
But that's no reason to throw out the baby with the bath water. I'm not talking about external happiness what I'm talking about is LOVE. I long to feel what everyone wants to feel: connected to something more than just myself. That someone else's love for me cannot be removed. I want to feel as if I have a partnership here on this planet ,that the person who I chose and who chose me is in this together with me. That when push comes to shove there will be someone there to catch me when life pulls the rug out from under me.
Now, I know that love is choice and "feeling" that way can be as brief as a spring breeze; but I believe that the security of knowing you are not alone in this life will make me happy. I know that God is here for me. I feel it. I would love to feel it more. But I also want to feel as though my partner is here for me and sadly I feel left to myself most of the time. I want someone to look at that "tempest and not be shaken" because whatever is on the horizon is not as strong as what, God, and the two of us can handle together.
But maybe God has left me without that security of knowing that my partner is standing beside me so that I can forsake ALL others to lean on Him. So that He can be my ever-fixed mark. So that I don't make my marriage and my husband into my god.