Monday, March 5, 2012

Tears



I have been feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck since a week ago Sunday. 

A little nerve wracking because I don’t really know exactly what’s going on with my body.  My Lenten fast has sort of gone by the wayside as of Wednesday night when I could barely drive Baby Girl and I home from the doctor’s office.  I have spent almost as many waking hours crying as not.  Or at least when I do cry they are these heartwrenching sobs that make seeing, driving, and not having a migraine induced by tears impossible. 

Went to get what I hope is my final beta test Thursday.  After I sobbed and could barely walk to the car to drive to the appointment I thought it best to ask if I could see the doctor for 5 minutes of her time.  I heard the nurse ask the doctor and she said, “well what’s the circumstance, why would I see her?”  Yeah, nevermind I don’t want to talk to you anyway lady.  Then I proceeded to have to wait 25 minutes just to have my blood drawn.  I’m sure there wasn’t 5 in the 25 to talk to me. 

Anyway, then the nurse suggested I go to my primary care physician.  I informed her that I don’t have one because we just got new insurance.  Actually it’s not new insurance.  It’s insurance for all of us for the first time in the 8.5 years of our marriage.  And my old physician doesn’t accept our insurance and besides this is not the flu.   She said well have you thought about going to an urgent care clinic.  I wanted to scream and cry.  No, I have NOT THOUGHT ABOUT GOING TO AN URGENT CARE CLINIC.  I’m having a miscarriage which is why I’m in your office where you have ob/gyns who could see me and walk me through this.  I didn’t say any of that, I just said the copay for that was too expensive.  She said well you could make another appointment for our office tomorrow.  Yeah, that’s when I couldn’t hold it together anymore, I choked out that I couldn’t get another sitter for during the day and ran out the door didn’t check out or anything. The tears started streaming before I even hit the exit door. 

Make it to the car, make it to the car.  And of course I was parked right next to a lady who was sitting in her car with all her windows down because she had her dogs with her in the kennel in the back. 

The sobs that came, I can’t even tell you how often I almost wrecked the car.  If a cop had pulled me over for not maintaining my lane I could have never argued. 

I kept thinking, I can’t pull over, I’ll never make it to my migraine appointment and my head has not stopped pounding in a week.  I prayed that God would help me stop crying so I could see to drive.  It seems like I sob a lot when I drive.  Maybe this is because I’m alone?  I don’t know. 

Whatever it is a lot of tears of fallen.  I tried to start wearing makeup again.  And it’s funny now I notice every time I sob whether the particular makeup I’m wearing runs or not.  Perhaps I should give up on make up as well. 

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