Monday, April 30, 2012

Things that make me happy






Baby Girls who steal Minnie Mouse cups of coffee because she knows there is SUGAR in it





Pretending we don't really want our picture taken and lovin' trees at the same time 





The only dishes used in our house anymore ever





Children's infatuation with all sandboxes everywhere


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Clearing the Land

(this was supposed to be published a few days ago) 


One month, today is my month-iversary of my life being blown to bits.  It's been a hard day.  I woke up with grand hopes of doing lots of homeschooling, finishing all my emergent paperwork, paying some bills, getting to the attorney's office to drop off paperwork and feeling all the emotions I needed to feel today.  


My "to do list stifling emotions" technique works most of the time but I didn't want that to rule my day.  


I took time to feel sad.  I even cried a little, very little, but I'm not much of a cry on demand kind of girl.  I also did a lot of paperwork, made a bunch of calls about bills and dealt right at the kids' bedtime with Jonathan.  He texted saying he wanted to say goodnight to the kids.  I try to never say no to that.  It's a reasonable request but usually it causes a ruckus at bedtime.  I told him Eowyn didn't get much of a nap and probably wouldn't be up for much longer.  He said he wanted to try and cheer her up.  


Well, he did talk to her, but I wouldn't say he cheered her up, as soon as she had to give the phone up to her brothers it was WWIII.  I ended up having to send the boys in my room to talk on the phone just so they could hear their dad.  Harvey came back really quickly saying he didn't want to talk; he just wanted to play games on my phone and then he hung up on Jonathan three times in a row.  As a result I ended up talking to him, while wrestling kids in to PJs, cleaning up rooms and brushing teeth.  Not how I wanted bedtime to go.  


I really just want to give my kids my full attention at bedtime, hear about their perspective on their day, calm their worries, kiss their boo-boos.  Next time I'll remember this and hang up sooner.  Or not answer the phone in the first place.


He launched into this tirade about my attorney.  He was trying to convince me to change my attorney by saying he would only pay the retainer if I switched to a different attorney because my current attorney had questionable ethics.  This was information he got from a mutual friend that he wouldn't reveal because he really valued my relationship with them and did not want that relationship to be hindered.  BUT this friend was the type of friend who would know such things.  I guess I'm supposed to take his word for that.  


Does he realize that he is the one attesting to my attorney's ethics?  Ethics?  He had the nerve to say that my attorney was a creeper.  That's when I drew the line.  I responded with a raw "People who sleep with prostitutes are creeps.  Stop talking to me"  


I'm feeling raw and not fluent in the language I was born into.  I'm feeling like I've never counted pennies so much in my LIFE.  Like there's no end to this responsibility now.  My obligations never end where someone else's begin because the buck stops with me.  Jesus come please, stop my worrying heart, calm my spirit, meet the concerns I have with provision.  Take away the baggage and begin the healing.  I know that you will do this for me.  I believe it.  I claim your promises to the widows.  My marriage truly did die despite my still breathing (ex) spouse.   He killed it, with the help of all the adulterous women in Pennsylvania and Maryland.  


God, I am asking you to help me clear the land.  The path to you and truth is under constant attack.  I need help clearing it.  I need a soldier along side me to protect and defend us.  Thank you for the freeing piece of mail that came today, the beginning of official release from bondage.  Thank you for love demonstrated from people walking around with skin on and Thank you for my blessings that give me hugs every day.  :) 




Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Holding in Each Hand

Tonight as I rocked baby girl to sleep I was recalling my God gifted brilliance that occurred 10 minutes prior. Harvey, my middle, was losing his mind over reading "The Lorax." Which is always Rowan's choice to read but not often indulged in because it's a loooong book. Rowan deserved to read the one he wanted and yet I couldn't grant that request with a full fledged five year old meltdown in the same room. I tried a couple of distraction techniques with Harvey and offered to read his book of choice next, none of which worked.

So in a rare moment of motherly genius I began to whisper the story to Rowan. He was sitting in my lap and he thought it was hilarious. I cautioned him away from taunting his not so awfully melting down brother and he snuggled in. The great benefit of whispering with a long book is you can skip a LOT of words. They can't hear you that well.
Eventually Harvey realized this was sort of a game and joined in the by saying "I can hear you" and "You're reading the book" To which I brilliantly replied: "You can't read, how do you know?" and "I'm not reading, I'm whispering!"

It turned out wonderfully!!! I felt so blessed. I am not supermom and this could have just as easily ended in lots of tears and consequences and ever increasing meltdowns. But, Yay God! He granted me with a stroke of genius that very well saved my evening.

Boys in bed, two down, one to go.

Eowyn and I go to her room, curl up in the rocker with no less than one Mickey, one Minnie, and one miniature doll. It's not that big of a rocker and she's holding all of these and nursing at the same time. Girl's got talent.

In the perfect dark of her room deep thoughts often come and as we rock and nurse and rest something just hits me. We're not the "Stoltzfive" anymore. It's a "family" nickname Jonathan and I had thought of before we even had any children. And after Eowyn entered our family there was a little celebration of us now being the "Stoltzfive" there were now five of us.

For some reason this strikes me as something to be grieved and I try to feel it but I'm just so sad. We will never again be the Stoltzfive, if I one day ever remarry or we adopt kids or anything happens to increase the size of our family the name won't fit. We all got the name from their daddy and their daddy is gone. And as sad as I am about it I know that he's not coming back for us. Because even if he would, I wouldn't let him in the door.

There are three kinds of people in the world: the wise, the fools and the evil doers. (Henry Cloud) And the last type require three things of you: lawyers, guns, and money. Hire the lawyer, call the cops, and pay the money because you don't want them in your life. They are bent on destruction. If you don't believe these people are in the world you have not lived long enough.

"Reject a divisive person after a second warning" Henry Cloud   Lord knows, I gave him a lot more than two warnings.

"Take the leadership challenge to not let someone’s character problem stop the mission God has called you to from moving forward." Henry Cloud

And the challenge God has called me to is my children. He has an amazing plan for them and me. And Satan better watch out the next time he gets in the way of that plan because 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'  I will not let this destruction reign in my household any longer.

Thank you God for rescuing us, setting us on the right path, and bringing the Truth to light.

As I grieve the loss of one thing tonight I will hold it in one hand and in the other I will hold the gratefulness of God's incessant rescuing of us.

I love you, Jesus. Thank you for loving me.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Bleeding Hearts


The Mysteriously Appearing Flower


Bleeding Hearts

Do they look like they're bleeding?




Because we all know I am.  It's such a facade.  And I'm trying hard not to present one.  My ironic humor, constant laughing at the ridiculousness of my situation, the fact that I'm not constantly crying.  The welfare line, their aghast expression when they look at our "shelter expenses."  


I'm not trying to present a facade...  I promise.  I'm trying to be real and the realness of right now is that I'm holding it together (most of the time).  Besides the occasional  incessant frustration that my kids never stop asking for things; I'm okay.  


In the last week or so I've noticed this small bush of "bleeding hearts" blooming in my front yard.  I'm POSITIVE I've never planted them there.  I remember seeing a pot around months and months ago and mentioning that I wanted to plant some one day but I know I never did.  So how did they get there?    Did J plant them with me unawares?  Unlikely, however rational the explanation, he wasn't really that kind of guy.  Did someone else?  Umm, no that would be weird.  Did the seeds fly in from a neighbor's... I don't think so.   Maybe they're from Jesus.  


Somehow I now have bleeding hearts in my front yard; the ones living in my house apparently aren't enough.  Today after our crazy day of welfare lines, power outages, nervous grocery shopping  and therapy appointments we came home late enough for me to still manage to cook dinner.  While I'm cooking the kids are eating chips and running like wild banshees through the living room.  At one point I have to instruct Rowan to get out from under the area rug and Eowyn and Harvey to stop riding on top of the rug on top of Rowan.  But look at me I'm making dinner.  I'm so proud of myself.  I'm using up all these ingredients in my fridge and besides it looks really yummy.  


And then it breaks loose...  


Hell that is, in my living room.  


Harvey takes my knitting bag and dumps it out and throws all of it across the entire living room.  Balls of yarn go flying every where, not-so-sharp knitting needles, half finished projects and patterns and random other pieces of paper that were stuck in there.  Projects and people and yarn are now everywhere.  I not so calmly tell Harvey to put it all back in the bag, NOW.  I'll worry about untangling it later.  About 90 seconds later I look up to see Harvey spinning yarn all around his body. 


That's it.


I march in the living room and order the boys to the third floor and sit down to untangle and put away this disaster.  


"But I'm thirsty" screams Rowan, 


"But I'm hungry" screams Harvey 


(they knew I was making dinner)   "Sorry, you lost your chance."  I respond, obviously not my best parenting moment.  Mommy needs ten minutes to cool down and dinner will be on the table.  Just ten minutes of no Tasmanian madness in my living room.  


Cue more disaster




Harvey loses it and screams and throws a fit, running past me toward the kitchen.  I reach out to grab him to pull him into me, and end up with just one arm.  Which by the way, it hurts a lot when someone grabs your arm and you're running in the opposite direction.   Screaming turns to shrieking and that turns to Mama panic.  "Oh my God, your arm, are you okay?" "I need ice, my arm hurts!!!"  I freak out and call my friend for help to figure out if it's dislocated.  Grab ice and something to drink for Harv, place him gently on the couch and turn on Toy Story.    


He's fine and moving his arm before I even to get my meltdown stage with Naomi on the line.  Nonetheless the meltdown is not to be stopped.  It's a wonder she could even understand anything I said.  


Yes, hearts are bleeding here.  Despite the therapist's assurances of how awesome my kids 'play' was today.  And that he would see Rowan alone in two weeks.   


I'm going, TWO WEEKS.  
Two more weeks of having no idea what to do in this scenario, with these little people?  Are you kidding me? 
I'm drowning here - - throw me the DAMN life preserver already.   


I desperately wish I did not have to be ON all the time.  You don't know what I wouldn't give for the kids to go to Dad's for the weekend.  But yeah in the contest between what I need vs. what is healthy for them, Mommy loses out 90% of the time. 


I'm sure there will come a day when Dad can have them for the weekend.  When it won't hopefully result in emotional disaster.  When Jonathan has looked in the face his addiction and realized what it's going to take to beat it back, okay maybe that won't happen.  But one can hope.  But for now it's me, all me, all the time.   Me and a fantasy about a school bus and relief for a few hours every day.  


It's okay though, somehow, the four of us are going to get through this.  Somehow I'm going to overcome my terror at posting honesty online and of "screwing my kids up".  Somehow, Jesus is going to rescue us, right?  Right?  Somehow people are going to stop telling me to move immediately and get a job today and do this and this and this, because they're going to realize how stressful that is for me.  Somehow all the things I need to sell at the yard sale are going to go and the pricing is going to happen and I'll eventually end up finishing the paint in the living room. Somehow miraculously Jonathan will pay the mortgage and our financial situation will because a little more secure. One way or the other.  Somehow, someday I'm going to feel okay about leaving my kids to do something other than a legal meeting.  I will eventually have alone time that is nourishing to my soul.


We are going to find our NEW NORMAL.  I have no idea what that looks like for us.  But I'm running toward it because I know our new normal is going to be so much better than our old one.  


Cheers to the new normal!  And to dinners no one eats while sitting in the living room watching Toy Story.  















And of course to sleeping in the toy box

Friday, April 13, 2012

Damn Breaking, Breaking Dams

What is it that makes the dam break?

For 20 days it's been holding steady.  Slowly leaking on occasion, but staying strong.  And all of the sudden one "How are you, really?" from the right person.  Who I didn't even know was the 'right' person, and the dam breaks.  All I knew was that I was desperate, desperate to talk to someone that knew me before.  Before this, before him, before all of it.

Before I was an invisible person.

I couldn't catch someone's attention if I were on fire.  Literally on fire.  Being flirted with, ha.  What a joke!  But it's not just men who don't notice me, it's women too.  If I make a substantial effort on my appearance and attempt corral my three children in public; I'm still just a mom, of young kids, who doesn't even have a job.  Besides she looks like she's trying too hard.   So what could I possibly have to offer?

Being invisible is not a new thing for me.  I grew up the 'Eeyore' of my family.  The color that I stood for in preschool: gray.  As in "I looked outside and the sky is gray, definitely don't expect much out of today".  Do you know what Eeyore's tag line is?   "Thanks for noticing me."  I realized this in Disney World in December and you could have knocked me over with a feather.  Who decided I was Eeyore and was I invisible before they decided this or was the deciding of this instrumental in helping me to become invisible.

Now after the revelation I have realized how truly invisible I was to Jonathan.  Not even enough of a person to protect physically let alone emotionally.  All the raging at him for not keeping his word.  All the crying at night after the kids were in bed, crying to him, asking him please not to leave me,  please talk to me. All the begging of him to not sleep on the couch, please just sleep in our bed.  That begging that began week 2 of our marriage and has lasted the whole way through it.  He didn't seen any of it.  It was as good as if it didn't happen at all.

How can you not see someone's soul shriveling and dying?  How can you not see a heart you are breaking with your own bare hands?  How can you not see a woman so young and full of promise dry up and die before your eyes?  How come God has given some the abilities to see souls and others not?  Do we all have the ability and some consciously turn away?  Or is it rather that only by seeking to see another's soul that the gift of vision is granted?

This is what my soul has been screaming my WHOLE LIFE.  I've been walking around as a shell of a person wondering if anyone could see me standing there and when they did I was always shocked.  It's the quintessential vacuum within us that sucks all the losers and users toward us.

And so the dam broke, and I started crying like it was nobody's business.  With Reuben (resident fix it guy) in my house fixing something for me.  Believe me if I could have stopped crying I totally would have.
But when I cry - "We cry.  We wear each other's pains as our own and when there is sorrow, we cry like it's an Olympic sport" - Kelle Hampton
I'm out of practice, I haven't had this much sorrow in a long time and I forgot how good I am at crying, I'm just really bad at stopping.

Thankfully the dam eventually corked again, I know this because I'm fully aware that I didn't get to the bottom of my tears.  There's more to come.  The inconvenience of not knowing when it will decide to spring a leak again really sucks.  But it's also comforting.  Comforting because I know I haven't felt the raw edges of my pain yet and I need to feel them.  I'm still groping around in the dark of my soul knocking on doors and wondering if this is the room I need to enter or if it's another one down the hall.

The vulnerability of the now is this: I still feel invisible.  I can't let man answer that question for me.   The question of whether I'm worthy or just too broken to bother with.  Jesus HAS to answer my question.  It's the question we all ask and the source of the question is the key to a lot of marital unhappiness.  What most of us try to get from our mate is supposed to come from him. Jesus is the lover we've all been waiting for.  Married or not.  Jesus is the one that never forgets a special day to celebrate you and me.  You can not imagine how much He thinks of you.  How "out of his way" he goes to bring you something special.  You have to ask for the vision, the soul vision to see this.  Without eyes in your soul you could miss out on all the supreme love of your life has to offer you.

Let the dam break.  Dam breaking doesn't scare Jesus.  Ask for him to open the eyes of your soul. Ask him what gift he is bringing you today.  If he tells you it's a surprise, trust him.  The surprise will not be going to see an action flick with the guys and drinking beer you don't like.  ;)  It will be a surprise made special just for you.

Beauty at its finest is a little girl who's loved.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Furious

I'm not sure where to go from here.  I'm at this place of totally wondering what God is doing.  When I wonder this way I often end up sitting somewhere in my head that is the "is God even at all involved in my life?" place.  That place is a lonely, awful place that depends on happenstance and circumstance and coincidence.  It has nothing to do with purpose.  I'm extraneous, easily replaced and unworthy.


It's true I am unworthy.  Certainly unworthy of God's involvement in my life.  Unworthy of being chosen.  But God, please choose me.  Please tell me that you're involved.  Please help me I can't go through the alone.


“Grief is like a credit card and you don’t know the balance. The whole balance is due, eventually. You can try to cover it up and pay the minimum day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. Or you can choose to pay the whole balance as quickly as possible. Since you don’t know how much is due, you don’t know how long it will take. But give yourself enough time to find out.”








I started to write this post almost three weeks ago.  Before my husband sat down in front of me and destroyed my life in a paragraph.  I was wondering if God was involved in my life because I was feeling so much grief over my recent miscarriage and so much woundedness over the fact that my partner was completely detached from my reality.  


What I didn't know is that he had given his heart away.  There was no way he enter my reality.  He had created another reality for himself.  One where he deserved everything and anything he wanted.  Including sex with an unlimited number of women any time he desired it.  He had given his heart away.  I hope for his sake he can get it back and give it to God.  But all I knew at the time is that his Heart wasn't mine and it wasn't God's either.  I was pouring myself out before God and Jonathan wasn't there, Jesus was but not my spouse.  


Hindsight is amazing as I look at those two first paragraphs I feel so much relief and sorrow and joy.  God was totally involved in my life.  He knew what would happen a mere three days later.  He knew that the puzzle pieces would fit and my sanity would be restored.  He knew if I didn't miscarry that Jonathan would continue to risk my life and the life of my unborn child.  That there would be yet another year or two where I wouldn't feel like I could do life on my own because of a baby.  He knew EXACTLY how old my children needed to be in order for me to stand on my own two feet.  (With the support of a LOT of friends and family)  But my feet nonetheless.  He knew that I would be able to hunker down now and not whirlwind my way through a bazillion changes in 3 seconds after hearing the words: 4 years, 20 - 40 prostitutes, multiple women, multiple cities, multiple times, while you were pregnant and nursing.  


So yes, “Grief is like a credit card and you don’t know the balance. The whole balance is due, eventually. You can try to cover it up and pay the minimum day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. Or you can choose to pay the whole balance as quickly as possible. Since you don’t know how much is due, you don’t know how long it will take. But give yourself enough time to find out.”  But I'm relieved that now I can start paying the balance.  I never knew grief could come with so much relief.  I'm so thankful that God protected my little one by taking them to heaven rather than letting Jonathan risk their life here.  I miss that baby and the other two babies I never got to hold but I'm so thankful.  I know they are in Jesus' arms and for now I'm trusting Him to hold them.  He knows how much love I have here with my three that call earth their home.  He knows they are my joy and He is my salvation.  


His love is deep, His love is wide
And it covers us.
His love is fierce, His love is strong
It is furious. 




We sang this song at our Easter service this weekend.  Sitting in the middle of my family.  Those who are furious and fierce for me.  I have not felt very furious.  God comforted me by letting me know He is furious enough for the both of us.    


This is probably why Jonathan talking about God's grace and love makes me want to throw up.  I want God to discipline him.    But as a parent I can understand that you can be furious and fierce toward your child and still love them.  I just pray that God will hold justice and grace equally in His hands.   And lean a little toward furious from time to time.  

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I'd rather be putting my kids to bed

Tonight my husband is at the mall.  I know because I track his phone.  Not all the time but only when I'm worried he's too near.  Turns out that if I'd been doing that for the last four years I would have significantly lowered my heart ache.  But for now it's a coping method.  For a half a second or so when I realized he was at the mall probably watching a movie I was jealous.  Or you know having sex in the parking lot with a prostitute.   I was also wondering how many naked women or sex scenes were in the movie.

Then I moved on to putting my kids to bed solo.  Something I've done every night for two weeks now.  Putting my kids to bed was extra sweet tonight.  Rowan is sick or starting to catch a bug so I felt his forehead, took his temp, and loved him a little extra.

Harvey is extra excited because his awesomely GREAT aunt Leah made Easter eggs out of rice krispie treats and put jelly beans inside them.  Highlight of his short life span (or atleast the year 2012)

 And Eowyn, well, she was just too much.  Her rash has finally healed.  She's literally been panicked about getting her diaper changed at every changing for two weeks now.  Do you have any idea how many diaper changes that is?  A LOT.  She panicked again tonight and to my complete surprise it was completely healed.  I said an extra praise to Jesus and she was happy to know it wouldn't hurt anymore as well.

Then we settled into our rocking/nursing routine after rescuing dollies that had been stuck behind the crib and she was so sweet.  She nursed and switched sides and as she was settling in she started telling me about her time at church tonight.  She had fun apparently.  They have a slide where she goes "weeee."  The eat fishies and drink water and there's a little girl named "Sara" (I'm not sure I believe this last one as we have a friend named Sara and she may have just mixed them up).  

But can I just tell you - She's CRAZY VERBAL.  This is not something I've ever experienced with a two year old before.  It was so precious.  After she told me about her evening (and I made the mental decision to enroll her in preschool for the fall) I placed her in her crib and she didn't cry.  For only the second time in TWO WEEKS.  She gave me some instructions on how to exit the room and when to close the door
 Yes, She is my child ;)


 She said "Thank you" and "Good Night."  And I thought to myself.  There's not a movie in the world I'd rather see than the one that just played out before me in the dark of my little girl's room.




Thank you Lord for preparing me perfectly for the time when I was to be done.  I know now how right you timed it.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Positive?

Tonight I calculated my statistical probability of having HIV.  Taking into account that my partner (the only one I've ever had intercourse with) has had between 20 to 40 partners over the last four years and all of them were sex workers.  Also, taking into account that we almost never used condoms.

You don't want to know.  It turns out neither did I.   In fact some "HIV calculators" don't even count that high.  They assume you are the one with multiple partners not the other way around.  Some of them don't take into account at all that your partner's other partners would be sex workers; let alone that they would ALL be sex workers.

I guess some people are crazy responsible like that and find out if they have a great risk of infecting their partners before they go around sticking their penis in unmentionable places.  Let alone potentially infecting and eventually killing their unborn or breastfeeding child.

Apparently being pregnant also increases your risk.

I can't wait to be one of those people smug people look down on for making "bad decisions" and ending up with AIDS.  Yep, I guess sleeping with your husband without a condom is a bad decision, score that one for all the smug bastards!

Well, here's hoping I don't.  Here's hoping the baby doesn't either.  I wish I could have a drink to toast to this but I'm taking a wide berth away from all things addictive.  I would say I would hope that he doesn't have it either but well...  I'd be lying.  A quick and painless (for me and the kids) end to all of this madness would be wonderful for us.  But AIDS is not quick and it's definitely not painless.  And regardless how he did/did not contract it, I would want others to have compassion for him.  Just not me, others.   Maybe even his children to have compassion for him, as long as the baby's healthy.  If not NO COMPASSION from anyone, anywhere for him.  Save that job for Jesus.

I'm not a saint.  I was far from a perfect wife.  But for the last two nights I've had weird lights in my vision/blurriness and headaches.  And it has hit me that if I don't wake up in the morning my children don't know how to call 911.  I need to get a house phone.  How do I explain that to them? Calling 911 if mommy doesn't wake up, not the house phone part. They can't even get the baby out of her crib by themselves.  She will be stuck in there until someone comes.  THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN (REPEAT MANTRA TO SELF)  There are a lot of single parents out there.

I realize of course this is all a rabbit trail.  None of it will probably happen and even if a little bit of it does happen it will probably not be as God-awful as I think.

But God, it's awful anyway.  I feel so trapped by this.  Trapped by the not knowing.  How do you not know if you're going to die early for months on end?  What about the baby?  How do I not know if she will?  How do I not know without going crazy?  Did he really say he was in denial?  Denial?  That is the most cavalier, childish answer I have ever heard someone have in regards to the health of their child and wife.

Was I even really a wife?  Who treats a wife like this?  This is not normal.  Most men would care if they were killing their spouse.  I just can't believe otherwise.  Even in the worst marriages (which apparently I was in) spouses don't literally just cavalierly want to kill one another.  I mean, people say they do, but they don't generally mean it.  They aren't holding a six shooter to their wife's head, with one bullet in it, rolling the barrel, and pulling the trigger.

J was doing that to me.  Every time I had sex with him.  And he was so "nice" (BLECK, GAG, VOMIT) every time.  I felt so violated and used and could never figure out why.  "Fake it till you make it"  "The feelings will follow"  Common tag lines for me to hear.

I feel like I can never trust a nice guy again.  It's almost as if I will have an allergic reaction to a male being nice to me.  I think I will want to give them the third degree.

What are you hiding?
Why are you being nice to me?
What do you want from me?
How are you portraying me to other people?
Do you have any addictions? If so, what are they?  Nevermind, I don't want to know - go away.  No addicts for me.

Did you know I was the fat, bitchy wife?  With the anger problem?  Who was probably crazy?  Guess what, living with someone who's an active addict, hiding their addiction will make you crazy.  Absolutely crazy.  If you don't rage at the fact that something is not adding up in your life you are emotionally dead or oblivious.  (some people actually are that oblivious)  Well you don't have to rage, but you freak out in some way shape or form.

So the headache is lessening.  The lights not so much but I think I can feel safe to sleep now.  Besides Mimi is calling me in the morning in case I don't wake up.  I know she'll head right over.

I am womanly, I am wonderful, I am wise.
You is kind, You is smart, You is important

repeat to self - 1,787,634 times a day.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Thankfulness.

It's really hard to explain how thankful I am right now.  I mean, right NOW?  Are you crazy, you're thankful to be going through a divorce with well... him on the other end of it. 

Yes, I am.  I'm thankful for the clarity.  It is oh so wonderful to be clear.   I'm thankful that I had the courage to throw a glass of water in his face today.  It felt good, justified and not too violent.  Poor guy who had to clean it up, well maybe he got a chuckle out of it.  Thankful that the dinner and bedtime part of our days are more routine every day.  It takes less effort and more love to make them happen.  I feel more love coming from my children as I do it the same way every day.  More love from me going to them, didn't know that was possible. 

Thankful for my Dad who goes to the library and gets my $54 in library fines forgiven and for my sister who painstakingly goes through every piece of paper over and over again for my county assistance application.  Thank you for Christi who I never knew could be such a sister to me.  Thank for Uncle Jamie who loves my boys and Nina, sincerely so grateful for that.  Thank you for my friend who drives across the state to be with me when my children are at their worst and for my mom understands when I ask for her to come by I really mean I need her to come by.  Thank you for friends and family that are walking the fine line of not demonizing J but not excusing his behavior either.  Thankful for the people that God has released me from having to deal with!  Yay, God. 

Lord you are beyond merciful to me.  I don't know why it took so long for me to be released from this madness but I'm so grateful that I am.  Lord, protect my children as they grow up in a divorced home.  Help them to develop their sense of worth in a place that is flooded with you. 

But I do have to say there's a deep part of me that is wondering about my own personal future.  J was the only person I was ever with, the only non-high school love I ever had.  What does choosing this person who treated me this way say about me?  How could I ever trust myself to love again?  To choose someone again. What about my kids?  How could I subject them to boyfriends and mommy dating and potential step-dads, yuck that's messy.  Will be Jesus be my true love for the next 40 years of my life?  I'm sure he's the best choice but it strikes me as a lonely choice. 

What happens when all the friends and family forget and go back to their lives, when it's just the four of us every day.  When the loneliness strikes every night in the quiet.  Can I be thankful then?  Rescue me then Lord.  Rescue me from bad, lonely, desperate choices.  But for now, thank you so much for Rescuing me.  You truly have. 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

A big change

This has been a really crazy week for me.  Last Saturday morning I woke up to a  confession from my spouse.  Over the last four years he's been sleeping with prostitutes.  Between 20 - 40 he thinks.  During these years we've of course had sex and I have been pregnant and nursing our youngest child through part of that time.

So yeah, I'm getting a divorce.  A Divorce.  I will be a Single Mother.  Wow, that's a game changer for me, huh?  Especially in light of the fact that I was miscarrying a mere two weeks ago. 

There are a few positive things that will come of this.  I now know I'm not crazy.  I was constantly trying to fold my mind into this origami shape that wouldn't work to make reality make sense.  It never worked and thus at times I've thought I must be crazy.  Hey, light bulb, NOT CRAZY.   I was living with someone who is adept at altering reality to make it seem like you are crazy!

Another positive - I get to parent the kids solo.  Although this is a huge task one that I'm not sure I can completely wrap my mind around; it is fantastic to know that the decisions lie with me.  I can decide what is best for them.  I can truly set boundaries and they will be followed because I'm the one following them.  I can trust that they will be respected as individuals with little hearts and minds and souls that deserve respecting because I'm the one doing it. 

Another positive - although we are essentially destitute at this point I know where the money is!!!  This is huge.  I have never known when we as a family were going to have resources or not.  I have never known how to budget although I did try very hard.  I have never been able to count on anything.  I still won't be able to count on him.  I can count on me and man I'm inspired more than I would have thought possible to make those pennies count. 

Another positive - I have more friends than I knew.  They are coming out of the woodwork and they are awesome.  Yay friends!  I know what it is like to be the loneliest married person ever and apparently that spurred me to work hard on friendships.  I love you guys.  Thank you for loving me and my kids. 

Another positive - I have always had the reaction of gagging when I have thought of myself as a single mother.  I am at complete peace with that title now.  It doesn't bother me at all.  It's a relief to have the title of a single mother than to not have that title and be one in reality.  It's confusing, one of those origami sessions usually follows and it's no fun. 

So word to the wise, if you are married and someone gives you the advice of "never asking your spouse for anything" run for the hills.  They see something wrong in your marriage and they can't put their finger on it.  In a normal marriage spouses should always be able to depend on one another. 

I love you.  Thank you for reading.