This has been a really crazy week for me. Last Saturday morning I woke up to a confession from my spouse. Over the last four years he's been sleeping with prostitutes. Between 20 - 40 he thinks. During these years we've of course had sex and I have been pregnant and nursing our youngest child through part of that time.
So yeah, I'm getting a divorce. A Divorce. I will be a Single Mother. Wow, that's a game changer for me, huh? Especially in light of the fact that I was miscarrying a mere two weeks ago.
There are a few positive things that will come of this. I now know I'm not crazy. I was constantly trying to fold my mind into this origami shape that wouldn't work to make reality make sense. It never worked and thus at times I've thought I must be crazy. Hey, light bulb, NOT CRAZY. I was living with someone who is adept at altering reality to make it seem like you are crazy!
Another positive - I get to parent the kids solo. Although this is a huge task one that I'm not sure I can completely wrap my mind around; it is fantastic to know that the decisions lie with me. I can decide what is best for them. I can truly set boundaries and they will be followed because I'm the one following them. I can trust that they will be respected as individuals with little hearts and minds and souls that deserve respecting because I'm the one doing it.
Another positive - although we are essentially destitute at this point I know where the money is!!! This is huge. I have never known when we as a family were going to have resources or not. I have never known how to budget although I did try very hard. I have never been able to count on anything. I still won't be able to count on him. I can count on me and man I'm inspired more than I would have thought possible to make those pennies count.
Another positive - I have more friends than I knew. They are coming out of the woodwork and they are awesome. Yay friends! I know what it is like to be the loneliest married person ever and apparently that spurred me to work hard on friendships. I love you guys. Thank you for loving me and my kids.
Another positive - I have always had the reaction of gagging when I have thought of myself as a single mother. I am at complete peace with that title now. It doesn't bother me at all. It's a relief to have the title of a single mother than to not have that title and be one in reality. It's confusing, one of those origami sessions usually follows and it's no fun.
So word to the wise, if you are married and someone gives you the advice of "never asking your spouse for anything" run for the hills. They see something wrong in your marriage and they can't put their finger on it. In a normal marriage spouses should always be able to depend on one another.
I love you. Thank you for reading.