Thursday, April 26, 2012

Clearing the Land

(this was supposed to be published a few days ago) 

One month, today is my month-iversary of my life being blown to bits.  It's been a hard day.  I woke up with grand hopes of doing lots of homeschooling, finishing all my emergent paperwork, paying some bills, getting to the attorney's office to drop off paperwork and feeling all the emotions I needed to feel today.  

My "to do list stifling emotions" technique works most of the time but I didn't want that to rule my day.  

I took time to feel sad.  I even cried a little, very little, but I'm not much of a cry on demand kind of girl.  I also did a lot of paperwork, made a bunch of calls about bills and dealt right at the kids' bedtime with Jonathan.  He texted saying he wanted to say goodnight to the kids.  I try to never say no to that.  It's a reasonable request but usually it causes a ruckus at bedtime.  I told him Eowyn didn't get much of a nap and probably wouldn't be up for much longer.  He said he wanted to try and cheer her up.  

Well, he did talk to her, but I wouldn't say he cheered her up, as soon as she had to give the phone up to her brothers it was WWIII.  I ended up having to send the boys in my room to talk on the phone just so they could hear their dad.  Harvey came back really quickly saying he didn't want to talk; he just wanted to play games on my phone and then he hung up on Jonathan three times in a row.  As a result I ended up talking to him, while wrestling kids in to PJs, cleaning up rooms and brushing teeth.  Not how I wanted bedtime to go.  

I really just want to give my kids my full attention at bedtime, hear about their perspective on their day, calm their worries, kiss their boo-boos.  Next time I'll remember this and hang up sooner.  Or not answer the phone in the first place.

He launched into this tirade about my attorney.  He was trying to convince me to change my attorney by saying he would only pay the retainer if I switched to a different attorney because my current attorney had questionable ethics.  This was information he got from a mutual friend that he wouldn't reveal because he really valued my relationship with them and did not want that relationship to be hindered.  BUT this friend was the type of friend who would know such things.  I guess I'm supposed to take his word for that.  

Does he realize that he is the one attesting to my attorney's ethics?  Ethics?  He had the nerve to say that my attorney was a creeper.  That's when I drew the line.  I responded with a raw "People who sleep with prostitutes are creeps.  Stop talking to me"  

I'm feeling raw and not fluent in the language I was born into.  I'm feeling like I've never counted pennies so much in my LIFE.  Like there's no end to this responsibility now.  My obligations never end where someone else's begin because the buck stops with me.  Jesus come please, stop my worrying heart, calm my spirit, meet the concerns I have with provision.  Take away the baggage and begin the healing.  I know that you will do this for me.  I believe it.  I claim your promises to the widows.  My marriage truly did die despite my still breathing (ex) spouse.   He killed it, with the help of all the adulterous women in Pennsylvania and Maryland.  

God, I am asking you to help me clear the land.  The path to you and truth is under constant attack.  I need help clearing it.  I need a soldier along side me to protect and defend us.  Thank you for the freeing piece of mail that came today, the beginning of official release from bondage.  Thank you for love demonstrated from people walking around with skin on and Thank you for my blessings that give me hugs every day.  :) 

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