Friday, April 13, 2012

Damn Breaking, Breaking Dams

What is it that makes the dam break?

For 20 days it's been holding steady.  Slowly leaking on occasion, but staying strong.  And all of the sudden one "How are you, really?" from the right person.  Who I didn't even know was the 'right' person, and the dam breaks.  All I knew was that I was desperate, desperate to talk to someone that knew me before.  Before this, before him, before all of it.

Before I was an invisible person.

I couldn't catch someone's attention if I were on fire.  Literally on fire.  Being flirted with, ha.  What a joke!  But it's not just men who don't notice me, it's women too.  If I make a substantial effort on my appearance and attempt corral my three children in public; I'm still just a mom, of young kids, who doesn't even have a job.  Besides she looks like she's trying too hard.   So what could I possibly have to offer?

Being invisible is not a new thing for me.  I grew up the 'Eeyore' of my family.  The color that I stood for in preschool: gray.  As in "I looked outside and the sky is gray, definitely don't expect much out of today".  Do you know what Eeyore's tag line is?   "Thanks for noticing me."  I realized this in Disney World in December and you could have knocked me over with a feather.  Who decided I was Eeyore and was I invisible before they decided this or was the deciding of this instrumental in helping me to become invisible.

Now after the revelation I have realized how truly invisible I was to Jonathan.  Not even enough of a person to protect physically let alone emotionally.  All the raging at him for not keeping his word.  All the crying at night after the kids were in bed, crying to him, asking him please not to leave me,  please talk to me. All the begging of him to not sleep on the couch, please just sleep in our bed.  That begging that began week 2 of our marriage and has lasted the whole way through it.  He didn't seen any of it.  It was as good as if it didn't happen at all.

How can you not see someone's soul shriveling and dying?  How can you not see a heart you are breaking with your own bare hands?  How can you not see a woman so young and full of promise dry up and die before your eyes?  How come God has given some the abilities to see souls and others not?  Do we all have the ability and some consciously turn away?  Or is it rather that only by seeking to see another's soul that the gift of vision is granted?

This is what my soul has been screaming my WHOLE LIFE.  I've been walking around as a shell of a person wondering if anyone could see me standing there and when they did I was always shocked.  It's the quintessential vacuum within us that sucks all the losers and users toward us.

And so the dam broke, and I started crying like it was nobody's business.  With Reuben (resident fix it guy) in my house fixing something for me.  Believe me if I could have stopped crying I totally would have.
But when I cry - "We cry.  We wear each other's pains as our own and when there is sorrow, we cry like it's an Olympic sport" - Kelle Hampton
I'm out of practice, I haven't had this much sorrow in a long time and I forgot how good I am at crying, I'm just really bad at stopping.

Thankfully the dam eventually corked again, I know this because I'm fully aware that I didn't get to the bottom of my tears.  There's more to come.  The inconvenience of not knowing when it will decide to spring a leak again really sucks.  But it's also comforting.  Comforting because I know I haven't felt the raw edges of my pain yet and I need to feel them.  I'm still groping around in the dark of my soul knocking on doors and wondering if this is the room I need to enter or if it's another one down the hall.

The vulnerability of the now is this: I still feel invisible.  I can't let man answer that question for me.   The question of whether I'm worthy or just too broken to bother with.  Jesus HAS to answer my question.  It's the question we all ask and the source of the question is the key to a lot of marital unhappiness.  What most of us try to get from our mate is supposed to come from him. Jesus is the lover we've all been waiting for.  Married or not.  Jesus is the one that never forgets a special day to celebrate you and me.  You can not imagine how much He thinks of you.  How "out of his way" he goes to bring you something special.  You have to ask for the vision, the soul vision to see this.  Without eyes in your soul you could miss out on all the supreme love of your life has to offer you.

Let the dam break.  Dam breaking doesn't scare Jesus.  Ask for him to open the eyes of your soul. Ask him what gift he is bringing you today.  If he tells you it's a surprise, trust him.  The surprise will not be going to see an action flick with the guys and drinking beer you don't like.  ;)  It will be a surprise made special just for you.

Beauty at its finest is a little girl who's loved.


2 comments:

  1. I loved calling you in the middle of your breaking dam..God knew you needed me to call...even if I couldn't understand what you were saying through your tears. I'll do it again everyday to help you work through it. Love you!

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure it will spring more than just a leak soon. Hopefully God will tell you to pick up the phone because I may not be able to see to dial. Love you too

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