I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm at this place of totally wondering what God is doing. When I wonder this way I often end up sitting somewhere in my head that is the "is God even at all involved in my life?" place. That place is a lonely, awful place that depends on happenstance and circumstance and coincidence. It has nothing to do with purpose. I'm extraneous, easily replaced and unworthy.
It's true I am unworthy. Certainly unworthy of God's involvement in my life. Unworthy of being chosen. But God, please choose me. Please tell me that you're involved. Please help me I can't go through the alone.
“Grief is like a credit card and you don’t know the balance. The whole balance is due, eventually. You can try to cover it up and pay the minimum day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. Or you can choose to pay the whole balance as quickly as possible. Since you don’t know how much is due, you don’t know how long it will take. But give yourself enough time to find out.”
I started to write this post almost three weeks ago. Before my husband sat down in front of me and destroyed my life in a paragraph. I was wondering if God was involved in my life because I was feeling so much grief over my recent miscarriage and so much woundedness over the fact that my partner was completely detached from my reality.
What I didn't know is that he had given his heart away. There was no way he enter my reality. He had created another reality for himself. One where he deserved everything and anything he wanted. Including sex with an unlimited number of women any time he desired it. He had given his heart away. I hope for his sake he can get it back and give it to God. But all I knew at the time is that his Heart wasn't mine and it wasn't God's either. I was pouring myself out before God and Jonathan wasn't there, Jesus was but not my spouse.
Hindsight is amazing as I look at those two first paragraphs I feel so much relief and sorrow and joy. God was totally involved in my life. He knew what would happen a mere three days later. He knew that the puzzle pieces would fit and my sanity would be restored. He knew if I didn't miscarry that Jonathan would continue to risk my life and the life of my unborn child. That there would be yet another year or two where I wouldn't feel like I could do life on my own because of a baby. He knew EXACTLY how old my children needed to be in order for me to stand on my own two feet. (With the support of a LOT of friends and family) But my feet nonetheless. He knew that I would be able to hunker down now and not whirlwind my way through a bazillion changes in 3 seconds after hearing the words: 4 years, 20 - 40 prostitutes, multiple women, multiple cities, multiple times, while you were pregnant and nursing.
So yes, “Grief is like a credit card and you don’t know the balance. The whole balance is due, eventually. You can try to cover it up and pay the minimum day after day, week after week, month after month, etc. Or you can choose to pay the whole balance as quickly as possible. Since you don’t know how much is due, you don’t know how long it will take. But give yourself enough time to find out.” But I'm relieved that now I can start paying the balance. I never knew grief could come with so much relief. I'm so thankful that God protected my little one by taking them to heaven rather than letting Jonathan risk their life here. I miss that baby and the other two babies I never got to hold but I'm so thankful. I know they are in Jesus' arms and for now I'm trusting Him to hold them. He knows how much love I have here with my three that call earth their home. He knows they are my joy and He is my salvation.
His love is deep, His love is wide
And it covers us.
His love is fierce, His love is strong
It is furious.
We sang this song at our Easter service this weekend. Sitting in the middle of my family. Those who are furious and fierce for me. I have not felt very furious. God comforted me by letting me know He is furious enough for the both of us.
This is probably why Jonathan talking about God's grace and love makes me want to throw up. I want God to discipline him. But as a parent I can understand that you can be furious and fierce toward your child and still love them. I just pray that God will hold justice and grace equally in His hands. And lean a little toward furious from time to time.