Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Tonight I calculated my statistical probability of having HIV.  Taking into account that my partner (the only one I've ever had intercourse with) has had between 20 to 40 partners over the last four years and all of them were sex workers.  Also, taking into account that we almost never used condoms.

You don't want to know.  It turns out neither did I.   In fact some "HIV calculators" don't even count that high.  They assume you are the one with multiple partners not the other way around.  Some of them don't take into account at all that your partner's other partners would be sex workers; let alone that they would ALL be sex workers.

I guess some people are crazy responsible like that and find out if they have a great risk of infecting their partners before they go around sticking their penis in unmentionable places.  Let alone potentially infecting and eventually killing their unborn or breastfeeding child.

Apparently being pregnant also increases your risk.

I can't wait to be one of those people smug people look down on for making "bad decisions" and ending up with AIDS.  Yep, I guess sleeping with your husband without a condom is a bad decision, score that one for all the smug bastards!

Well, here's hoping I don't.  Here's hoping the baby doesn't either.  I wish I could have a drink to toast to this but I'm taking a wide berth away from all things addictive.  I would say I would hope that he doesn't have it either but well...  I'd be lying.  A quick and painless (for me and the kids) end to all of this madness would be wonderful for us.  But AIDS is not quick and it's definitely not painless.  And regardless how he did/did not contract it, I would want others to have compassion for him.  Just not me, others.   Maybe even his children to have compassion for him, as long as the baby's healthy.  If not NO COMPASSION from anyone, anywhere for him.  Save that job for Jesus.

I'm not a saint.  I was far from a perfect wife.  But for the last two nights I've had weird lights in my vision/blurriness and headaches.  And it has hit me that if I don't wake up in the morning my children don't know how to call 911.  I need to get a house phone.  How do I explain that to them? Calling 911 if mommy doesn't wake up, not the house phone part. They can't even get the baby out of her crib by themselves.  She will be stuck in there until someone comes.  THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN (REPEAT MANTRA TO SELF)  There are a lot of single parents out there.

I realize of course this is all a rabbit trail.  None of it will probably happen and even if a little bit of it does happen it will probably not be as God-awful as I think.

But God, it's awful anyway.  I feel so trapped by this.  Trapped by the not knowing.  How do you not know if you're going to die early for months on end?  What about the baby?  How do I not know if she will?  How do I not know without going crazy?  Did he really say he was in denial?  Denial?  That is the most cavalier, childish answer I have ever heard someone have in regards to the health of their child and wife.

Was I even really a wife?  Who treats a wife like this?  This is not normal.  Most men would care if they were killing their spouse.  I just can't believe otherwise.  Even in the worst marriages (which apparently I was in) spouses don't literally just cavalierly want to kill one another.  I mean, people say they do, but they don't generally mean it.  They aren't holding a six shooter to their wife's head, with one bullet in it, rolling the barrel, and pulling the trigger.

J was doing that to me.  Every time I had sex with him.  And he was so "nice" (BLECK, GAG, VOMIT) every time.  I felt so violated and used and could never figure out why.  "Fake it till you make it"  "The feelings will follow"  Common tag lines for me to hear.

I feel like I can never trust a nice guy again.  It's almost as if I will have an allergic reaction to a male being nice to me.  I think I will want to give them the third degree.

What are you hiding?
Why are you being nice to me?
What do you want from me?
How are you portraying me to other people?
Do you have any addictions? If so, what are they?  Nevermind, I don't want to know - go away.  No addicts for me.

Did you know I was the fat, bitchy wife?  With the anger problem?  Who was probably crazy?  Guess what, living with someone who's an active addict, hiding their addiction will make you crazy.  Absolutely crazy.  If you don't rage at the fact that something is not adding up in your life you are emotionally dead or oblivious.  (some people actually are that oblivious)  Well you don't have to rage, but you freak out in some way shape or form.

So the headache is lessening.  The lights not so much but I think I can feel safe to sleep now.  Besides Mimi is calling me in the morning in case I don't wake up.  I know she'll head right over.

I am womanly, I am wonderful, I am wise.
You is kind, You is smart, You is important

repeat to self - 1,787,634 times a day.


  1. I'm anxious reading this blog. You make me nervous and I hate being ar away.

    Your worth is not deinfe in man, but in Christ alone. You are fearfully and wonderfully made..daughter of Christ! Don't let that slip from your thoughts. Love you!

    1. Ang, This is my place to be completely honest. It's not going to be all fairy tales and sunshine. I need to process all my emotions not just the pretty ones. If you get nervous go back and read the thankfulness post. ;)


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