Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Thankfulness.

It's really hard to explain how thankful I am right now.  I mean, right NOW?  Are you crazy, you're thankful to be going through a divorce with well... him on the other end of it. 

Yes, I am.  I'm thankful for the clarity.  It is oh so wonderful to be clear.   I'm thankful that I had the courage to throw a glass of water in his face today.  It felt good, justified and not too violent.  Poor guy who had to clean it up, well maybe he got a chuckle out of it.  Thankful that the dinner and bedtime part of our days are more routine every day.  It takes less effort and more love to make them happen.  I feel more love coming from my children as I do it the same way every day.  More love from me going to them, didn't know that was possible. 

Thankful for my Dad who goes to the library and gets my $54 in library fines forgiven and for my sister who painstakingly goes through every piece of paper over and over again for my county assistance application.  Thank you for Christi who I never knew could be such a sister to me.  Thank for Uncle Jamie who loves my boys and Nina, sincerely so grateful for that.  Thank you for my friend who drives across the state to be with me when my children are at their worst and for my mom understands when I ask for her to come by I really mean I need her to come by.  Thank you for friends and family that are walking the fine line of not demonizing J but not excusing his behavior either.  Thankful for the people that God has released me from having to deal with!  Yay, God. 

Lord you are beyond merciful to me.  I don't know why it took so long for me to be released from this madness but I'm so grateful that I am.  Lord, protect my children as they grow up in a divorced home.  Help them to develop their sense of worth in a place that is flooded with you. 

But I do have to say there's a deep part of me that is wondering about my own personal future.  J was the only person I was ever with, the only non-high school love I ever had.  What does choosing this person who treated me this way say about me?  How could I ever trust myself to love again?  To choose someone again. What about my kids?  How could I subject them to boyfriends and mommy dating and potential step-dads, yuck that's messy.  Will be Jesus be my true love for the next 40 years of my life?  I'm sure he's the best choice but it strikes me as a lonely choice. 

What happens when all the friends and family forget and go back to their lives, when it's just the four of us every day.  When the loneliness strikes every night in the quiet.  Can I be thankful then?  Rescue me then Lord.  Rescue me from bad, lonely, desperate choices.  But for now, thank you so much for Rescuing me.  You truly have. 

1 comment:

  1. When I walked my personal journey numerous years ago, Isaiah 54 was my montra, my promise, my hope. May it be a similar light that gives you strength to find your way through the darkness.

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