Yesterday was awfully awesome for me. Two of my dearest friends came over for the whole day to sew together. They both live 45 minutes or further away. One is pregnant, one is still nursing. One has five children, the other four and with a fifth on the way. I know what a sacrifice it was for them to come all this way especially for a whole day. I am once again finding myself incredibly thankful.
But I had not slept for most of the previous three nights, maybe eight hours total in three days. So, I was a little edgy and there were ten kids in my house. Ten kids in my house (they weren't all here) is not a quiet situation, despite the fact that I have a large house. A not quiet situation and no sleep will add up to an edgy hostess, which I unfortunately expressed more than once yesterday. My friends are such a gift to me, they were right there to parent with me. Willing to pitch in and the kids, all ten of them, were great at listening to all of us. But I hate expressing impatience with children, mine or other people's. They're just kids and being loud and crazy and loving life is what they're all about. Their play is how they learn about life and I don't like squashing that learning opportunity for them just because if they're any louder I'm going to have a migraine in 4 seconds flat.
On top of that, I'm not a crier. I can't use the word never for how often I cry but rarely is even a little too often a measure for me. And let me just tell you, not sleeping is a recipe for a lot of crying.
I think I burst out into tears at least three times yesterday. I think it surprised my friends a little. Not in a bad way, but in a wow, she never cries kind of way. I kept apologizing for crying and they kept assuring me that I had completely legitimate reasons to cry.
It is so great to have friends that you can be your most insecure, uncomfortable self with. That self for me would be the crying one. I didn't always feel like I had friends to do this with me, but I did. They were there all the time. I just didn't know it. I was the one holding back the relationship. Not them. If I didn't cry in front of them it wasn't because they wouldn't have loved me through it. It was because I was too insecure to do so. I didn't love myself enough to respect my emotions and be okay expressing them. Even insecurity is a little too weak of a word. I literally COULDN'T cry.
There was a part of my heart that had been closed off and not accessed in so long. I knew that part of my heart was there, but I also knew that if I accessed it my old life that everything would have fallen apart. That part of my heart is the tender, honest, I need to be loved part. I couldn't access that part of my heart because none of those things were present in my life. Not honesty from my partner, not tenderness with my soul, heart and emotions, not love and respect for me as I am. Not because I didn't constantly fight for them to be present, not because I didn't lay my face in the dirt and beg God to provide them for me, not because I was looking for others to fill those needs instead of Jesus.
I was totally okay with Jesus filling those needs. The reason they weren't there was because Satan was reigning in my spouse's life and he was 'living' here. And every time he walked in the door a cloud of deceit walked in with him. It filled the home and suffocated my heart. It shut that door to the tender, honest part of my heart and sealed it. Satan was hoping it would never be open again. He was hoping he would win. He was hoping to take four more people down with Jonathan. He wanted a 5 for 1 deal. Well, he's going to have to go pedal his lies elsewhere because we have embraced the truth here and I am not letting it go. I will hold to God's Words for me and His abundant desire for me to be loved on earth by Him and others.
I have a tender side, it's always been there. I have just been living a life that was highly inhospitable to tenderness. It was survival of the fittest as in the animal kingdom. It was a brutal life and one that required force and will to get through. Teeth and claws and running fast. Now that the brutality of my life has subsided it is time for me to embrace that tenderness.
There is plenty of open space in my life now for crying, for mercifully awesome love. For being honest even when expressing deep scary places of my heart. I have welcomed the opening of this door and the airing out of this room. I have lit candles and found music and opened the windows. I'm moving furniture into this room and making it my favorite one.
It's a great room. Rather unorthodoxed room for me. But I like it. I'm going to have to think about picking out some paint.