Sunday, May 27, 2012

Red Ice

I saw this awful movie five years ago and I still cannot forget it.  Awful in the sense that if I think about it too much I will have a nightmare tonight and for the next three or four after that as well.  There was a rape scene in the movie of a young teenage girl by her male teacher.  A male student witnessed the rape said nothing and the poor girl ended up pregnant and shunned by all who loved her.  What I would not give for every movie with a scene like this to come with a specific warning.  I would never need to watch any of them, ever, for any reason.  

But for as awful as the movie was, there was a scene toward the end of the movie that I remembered a few days ago.  The scene was set somewhere near the Canadian border in Hockey country.  There was a lawyer in the court room and he was interrogating a witness.  The witness was lying and he needed him to admit it.  In typical hockey fan fashion he asked the witness if the ice beneath him was going to be red or yellow.  Because you either lay it all out there and take the hit, you leave your blood on the ice or the ice is yellow because you chicken out.  (Guy movie, guy metaphor) 

This hit me as I was cleaning blood up off of my kitchen floor a few days ago.  A few drops of my brother's blood.  He's okay, just an accident, but as I scrubbed and tried to get it off I remembered that scene.   

And I thought, is the ice beneath me red or yellow?  

How many of my loved one's are shedding blood on my behalf right now? The blood of knees bent in prayer on the floor for me and my children.  The blood of anguish over my pain, the pain of my children, the pain that they know is coming but I haven't experienced yet.  The blood of grief for me and the blood of helping me feel and do and be all of the things that I need feel and do and be.  

How many of them would much rather spill some one's blood rather than shed their own?  And are choosing every day for me and for God's glory to shed their own instead of spill another's?  

How many of them are shedding tears mixed with blood for me on all of those nights when my tears won't come?  How many of them would be quiet and still the boiling blood within them when the anger rises fierce, and furious?  

Blood that was shed for me
I can't help but wonder if Jonathan realizes just how yellow the ice beneath him is?  Cowardice doesn't cover it.  There's all kinds of nice fancy words for what he's dealing with and what I've lived with.  But they're crap and unhelpful.  Addiction, compulsion, disease.  These do not help me.  What it comes down to is choices.  And we all reach that uncomfortable age of accountability.  We all arrive at the place where we eventually realize our actions have consequences.  It's not like somehow we don't know if we eat the entire batch of chocolate chip cookies that we'll get sick and gain weight.  We know, sometimes we make the bad choice anyway.  The cowardice enters when we aren't willing to accept responsibility for those choices.  The cowardice began when he purposefully looked up that hooker's number instead of being honest with me.  The cowardice continued as he drove to meet her, removed his wedding ring, leaving it in the truck and went inside.  It went on and on for years and years, like a  CD stuck on repeat, the cycle of cowardice.  

And then it took a sick and twisted turn after the light is was shone on the yellow ice.  The cowardice became continuing to wear that ring as if he somehow still had a claim on me.  The bravado with which he speaks of his commitment now; it's bravado disgustingly disguising as cowardice.  The sincerity with which he speaks of Jesus, my Jesus.  My Lord who has so graciously brought me out of the Hell that he created.  I would like to prevent him from ever speaking His name again.  How dare he defile it by letting it past his lips?!  Those lying lips.  And yet he speaks His name out of cowardice, disguised as spirituality, which is hoping to disguise his manipulation.  The cowardice with which he attempted to pray for marital reconciliation with my children.  Has he lost his ever lovin' mind????!!!!!

But that gracious Jesus, the one that I know and love, He has opened my eyes.  He has shown me the truth.  He has shown me the line that Satan will walk to deceive.  And unfortunately for Jonathan, the jig is up.  He is walking the path of Satan so clearly.

I am willing to bleed on this ice.  For the sake of Jesus, for the sake of my kids, for the sake of my soul and my health and well-being.  I know that this path will be hard.  I know I will be exhausted and broke and spent at the end of every day.  I know that life, my children, my career, my responsibilities are going to take far more of me than I have to give.  I know that I will be bleeding from somewhere at the end of every day.  

But I also know this:

The little bit of blood I lose every day in this life is glory.  Glory to me and Glory to God.  Because I know my vast army of loved ones are losing it for me too and if they've got skin the game, I better too as well.  And whatever skin they have in it, we know that Christ has more.  So much more.  Because He shed all this blood.  He could have spilled ours with His might and power but instead He shed his own.  

May courage find you today my friends.  In whatever fight you're fighting.  May you be willing to bleed on the ice.  Christ bled for you.  I hope you realize that.  And if He's asking you to step to something, if He's asking you to go beyond the cushion of your comfort zone and step out.  DO IT.  You will probably bleed.  You might even yellow that ice a little but stay in, stay in and fight.  Because whatever skin you have in the game.  God has more.  Whatever you think this fight can take from you.  God has more to give.  When you decide to fight and find the end of yourself, know this, right where you end, The Holy one takes over.  It's important for you to reach your end.  For you to go beyond what you have to give physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  If you never go beyond those things, you will never know what it's like to watch God carry you.  You may see your blood on the ice, but you will miss the glorious opportunity of seeing His.  His blood on the ice, shed for you.  Not just 2000 years ago on a cross but today, where you are, in your life.  


  1. You're an amazing writer and an inspiration to so many. Love you, sissah

    1. Thanks, I hope that those who wander here will find inspiration in my story. I totally see God meeting me here in this time, I want others to realize that no matter the pain he will meet you where you are.


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