Yesterday was a tough day on me. We had our last court appearance that is required for a while. And this one was about money. Can I tell you how much I hate this topic? Historically my ex has had a strong propensity toward frittering away cash in large amounts. This explains of ton of things but foremost in my mind is how he got away with paying prostitutes and for the gas to drive his truck to Baltimore and Philly on a regular basis without me having any idea.
Basically as it stands now I'm completely financially screwed. I get to stay in my house for a while which is a huge benefit but I'm hundreds of dollars in the hole on a monthly basis. Not staying in the house and receiving everything he's giving would seem like a wiser move for me but as the agreement stands that is not an option. Insert teary frustration here.
So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I sort of figured that yesterday would basically reveal to me whether or not I was moving and whether or not the kids were going to go to daycare. It has revealed one but not the other. I have not at this point figured out how I could afford to pay someone to watch my kids and take anything substantial home on an hourly basis. And as awesome as my local friends and family are I don't have a "watch the kids for free" option that would work well for us. I've cut and cut the budget, there's no more to cut. I have canceled our vacation and eliminated Jonathan's idea that the kids are going to private school. And I'm back to selling stuff on craigslist. It seems like the best option at this point would be to find something I could do from home. And make about $600 a month. And watch the kids at the same time. If you have any ideas that fall into that category I'm ALL ears.
Last night about bedtime the tears finally hit. It was great and relieving that they came but the dam that they were shut up behind is formidable. No sooner had they come then three cousins of mine came waltzing in the door. I could kiss them and their mother that sent them. She knew I had a rough day and that the hours that would be hardest for me were the evening ones. The girls streamed in washed dishes, swept floors, pj'd kids and loved on me. I gave them ice cream and chips and laughs and helped them scan and frame pictures for their house makeover. They came under the guise of me helping them frame pictures, but it was a thin veil. They were here because I was wounded and they had some salve for the wound.
I have a loud, crazy, huge family. They are somewhat unreliable, always opinionated and the noise can be deafening. We are prone to drama, love beer and playing games and the Steelers. But what my family knows how to do, what we will do for anyone within it, what we will do for you if you come join our circle, we will love you fiercely. Passionately and without ceasing. We may annoy you, get sick of you, or think you should drink less beer. But when tragedy or difficulty comes to your life, we will be there.
If you move 8 hours away from the only home you've known with your family and children to somewhere you know no one and that scares you. And you're afraid that your family will never come see you again. We will show up before you even get there and start unpacking boxes. We'll buy flowers and sweep floors and clean bedrooms. You'll walk into a house that looks like a home and your family standing there. And you'll know we will never leave you. There isn't any place too far for you to go. We are there and sometimes you don't even have to call.
Like today. I didn't even call. Leah sent the girls and I made it to my bedtime.
Thanks girls, Thanks Aunt Leah, Thank you Barneses everywhere. You are my family and I cherish you for it.