For my birthday this year I am giving myself the gift of being me. The best possible, non-striving version of me. Not the me that happens when I perfectly control all the sin in my life. Not the me that happens when I manage my outwardly appearance really well and contrive what I want other people to think of me (that would be the narcissistic me).
I'm giving myself the freedom to be me as I am today. The wonderfully supremely confident in some areas me, and the hopelessly insecure in other areas me. The me that sets clearly in the corner behind Christ and lets him duke it out in the boxing ring for me person. I am letting go of the striving to be something that I'm not. I'm letting go of the need to always produce something. I'm letting go of the drive within me that tells me if I don't fight for myself, my children, my world no one else will.
In the past months I have learned that there is more love in my corner than I could have possibly realized. God's love, absolutely, I am seeing that grace daily. But there are also people in my corner. Remember way back when I said I had friends coming out of the woodwork to step up and love us? Yeah, they're still coming. So grateful, so full of praise for that.
But this is not just about other people loving me. This is about me loving me. I have spent long enough in my life worrying about whether or not I was worthy of being loved. The dichotomy that is required to believe that God loves me and yet I am not worth being loved by humans here on this planet is mind boggling. I have decided, I am worthy. God said so and I'm going to believe it.
Does this mean I love everything about me? No, there are plenty of things I would love to change. But the truth that I am coming to realize is that the reason I never believed any one else could love me is because I never loved myself. Somewhere along the line I decided that I was too flawed to deserve to be loved and until I got my crap together I would not love myself. After all, we should have standards, right people?! BS
If God thought I was worthy enough to love while still in a sinful state, who the heck am I to argue with him? I didn't create the universe out of nothing. I would have at least needed some building supplies to get started. ;-)
Happy Birthday Shannon. You are worthy of love. You are wonderful as you are today. No man or woman on earth should ever make you believe otherwise, including yourself.
Now, go find a hobby that doesn't produce anything.