Monday, July 16, 2012

Home

We're going home.  If any of you out there in blog world would like to let my ex know this I'm sure you will feel free too.  For over the last week my children and I have been in our own personal exile.  Due to some legal confidence on my ex's part I no longer felt safe in my own home.  So we left.  And we were safer.  I knew we were.  I could feel it in the confidence with which I woke in the morning.  

But earthly safety is a farce.  It's not real.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow or an hour from now.  That doesn't mean it's not a good idea to be wise and that is what I was trying to be: wise.    I'm not sure we will be as safe in our own home but I know we need to return.  I've been praying and seeking counsel and I know that although we are taking a risk that our personal space will be violated I am hoping that is the extent of the risk.  My children need to be in their own home, their own space with their own toys and beds.  I need my kitchen and bed and craft room chair.  I'm hoping that we will be able to stay at 220 for a while longer.  Others think that is a reasonable hope but whether or not we are I want to stay there for now.  I want to return to our structure and our normal.  

I had hoped that we would never have to leave our home because of another person's desire for control or things or just their blatant disregard for respect of me but we did.  And it's been good.  This week has been so great for my children and I.  We have become so much closer.  We've had a lot of fun and learned to be silly and laugh again together.  We've shared our hearts and not too much sleep but they all have rested in my arms daily.  The sound of their deep breathing and belly laughs have warmed my soul.  I know that whether or not it's the four of us from now until we each meet Jesus that we are going to be okay.  

As a friend said yesterday, it's never just the four of us.  God goes with all of us every step of the way.  We are not alone.  The burdens of raising and molding these children don't rest solely on my shoulders.  My job is to point them to Jesus.  When I succeed, when I fail, when life fails them, when their father is an asshole or when he's a 'disneyland' dad.  My job is to point them to Christ.  He alone will be enough for them.  He will be enough for me.  He is the one that knits meaning and worth into our hearts.

I am not really happy in life right now.  It sucks quite a bit.  Regularly.  But I have a joy that will not be taken from me.  There are promises for me that I can count on from God here and now, today.  He is faithful.  He loves me.  He cares for every tear I shed.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  To do so would be in opposition to his very nature.  Because I know these things for me, I know them for my children as well.  And that is the way God fills the role I rely on him the most for right now.  He is my comforter.  When there are no physical arms present to hold me he is there to comfort.  He will comfort me as I mourn or fear or cry.  When it all feels like too much and I have reached the end of me I have reached the very beginning of him.  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.   Plans to give you a hope and a future."

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