Sunday, August 12, 2012


I did the weekly custody exchange Friday.  Jonathan noticed that my car tire was low and pointed that out.  I need someone to give a crash course in vehicle maintenance.  Any volunteers?  

This has been a nice 24 hours solo.  My times away from the kids are not always welcome.  I've been with them constantly from their conception and sometimes leaving them with anyone feels like I'm walking around without my right arm.  But today felt okay.  I had dinner out Friday night and that was nice.  I slept in and stayed up late, exercised and finished a book.  I prayed and journaled and didn't cry at all.  I even managed to clean and organize something.  Trying to pare down for the eventual move from this house.  

But something has been nagging at the back of my brain today and I need to share it with you.  I struggle with whether or not to share it with you because I don't know the whole truth of the situation and I am sharing because I want to make my position very clear.  

Jonathan informed me yesterday that someone had "knifed" one of his tires.  He wasn't exactly sure when it happened because it was a slow leak but when he took it in to be repaired the shop told him it was definitely a knife based on the cleanness of the cut.  

To be blunt, I'm not sure how much of this to believe.  I did point out to Jonathan that he does drive his truck in quarries and places that one would be more likely to cut a tire than some other people do but I digress.  I didn't knife the tire, so why am I bringing it up?  

For this reason: if someone out there did this in defense of me I want you to know I appreciate your trying to defend me and I want to clearly ask you never to do anything like that again.  This is not something that helps me.  If anything it casts me and those who love me in a suspicious light.  I love my friends and family.  I love my children and I want to protect and defend them, but let me be incredibly clear:  God alone is my defender.  

Does Jonathan deserve to have his tires slashed and whore mongerer keyed into the side of it?  Probably, yes.  Is that or any other type of violence or aggression toward him and his possessions helpful to me in any way?  Definitely not.  

Jonathan has been out of line.  His character and actions were evil when we were together and they haven't gotten markedly better since, in my opinion.  But these types of things don't help me.  They don't in anyway protect me and they don't defend me.  All this does right now unfortunately is take more money that he could possibly (but still isn't) be sending in for child support away from him and create suspicion where there needn't be any.  

To be fair, Jonathan has made a fair amount of people angry over the course of the time I have known him.  This could have been a hooker that didn't get paid or any number of other people that he owes money or it could have just been a piece of glass on a construction site.  But if one of you out there did this because you love and care about me, please don't.  If you love and care about me and you are ANGRY.  You are rightfully so.  Please go buy a punching bag and come over and sit with me.  There are plenty of ways that you can help the four of us.  And we will be grateful for all of them.  But this is not helpful and unwanted.

And one more thing: justice is not ours to dish out.  God is the one who doles that out whether or not it ever happens here on earth.  And if any of us were to get what we deserve for the sins we have committed in our lives none of us would be walking upright.  

Much Love and Peace.  Thank you for caring.


James 3:17-18 
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, good fruit, impartial and sincere.  Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." 

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