Monday, September 3, 2012

Someone's Everything...

I've been listening to country music lately, I realize many of you are cringing right this second!  I know I know, it's not the best music out there in the world.  I will freely admit to that and yet I listen to it, often.  I feel like I am admitting this in a 12 step group right now.  Hi, I'm Shannon and I listen to country music and take bubble baths, I'm a writer and yet I just finished a Nicholas Sparks' book.  Wow, maybe I do need a step program.  ;-)

I went through an Adele/Sara Barielles/Piano Guys phase a while back and now I'm in a country phase.  Maybe it's because it's nice enough to drive with windows down blare music and I don't know enough rock and roll to sing along to that.  NAH, it's because I honestly like it.  I was raised in North Carolina, what do you expect?  But to be honest if you are sad there's nothing like a country song to drown your sorrows in.  Well, maybe whiskey but I'm not a drinker.

So, there's a point to this post, although not presently clear and that is what I'm learning from country music.  I'm learning that men actually love women.  Shocking, I know.  I had no idea.  Either that or they really really want to get laid.  No, I think they love them.  The way the men who sing country music sing about women gives me this bizarre, irrational hope.  They talk about all the things they love about the women in their lives and let me whisper you a secret: all the things they love about us, they're the things we're the most insecure about.  Well, would ya look at that?!  That's amazing. 

So, deign I to hope?  For myself?  For love?  Like that?  Maybe, probably not most days.  But here's a song that I identify with because it contains some of my insecurities.  I thought the fact that he describes his wife this way with such affection was so stirring. 

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody (yep, I admit it, I'm moody sometimes)

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad  (I fight hard)
And she's a lover when she's loving (ahem)

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
'Cause she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday (still haven't broken that habit)
She's a bubble bath and candles  (recently discovered the gift of caring for myself, how did I miss this?)
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy (and yes, I can barely finish a whole glass of wine without feeling, hmm, sleepy)

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
and my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

[Repeat chorus]

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me

"She's Everything" Brad Paisley

I would love to be loved like this by a man here on this planet, who wants to see all my little imperfections as gifts but, I'm hopeful that what I learn now in this season is that God loves me imperfections and all.  He cherishes all of my little idiosyncrasies even when others find them annoying.  Including the fact that I laugh WAY TOO LOUD. I don't seem to be able to fix that, darn it.

I was going to bring more God into this post, to let you know how much I desire for him to be the center of my heart.  But I'm not going to filter for y'all tonight, even though that is the truth.  I want to be loved, well, here on this earth and single motherhood is lonely, my body is ruined and I don't feel like anyone will ever want me again.   My mounds of evidence that this is the truth don't help my lack of confidence. read here: my ex husband would rather pay hookers for sex, than sleep with me.  No, this is not my focus in my life right now, but facing the next four decades solo is scary.  I don't feel like I can do it all alone tonight, I want someone to come home at the end of the day and to chase away the reoccurring nightmares of Jonathan.  Someone to hold me.

Is this too much for you guys out there in the blog-o-sphere?  Single, not yet divorcee, admitting she would love to be romanced.  I understand it's a lot to take, but it's a lot to feel.  It's a lot to bear.  It's a lot to carry.  While my energy is elsewhere, like getting food on the table and gas in the car, 8 to 11 every night is hard and it's always alone and it's way too quiet. 

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