Thursday, September 13, 2012

Just some words

Feeling the need to write tonight and not sure exactly what will come out.  

New friends are being made at school, Harvey loves kindergarten although he says he plays with a fat kid on the playground.  I'm not really sure how to moderate that with him.  I've explained the importance of kind words but he legitimately doesn't know his name.  What is the mental block with boys and learning names?  Mine literally seem to have an aversion to it. Rowan comes home one day talking about Jennifer, when I ask about Jennifer the next hour/day later he looks at me like he has no idea what I'm talking about.  Aversion to names I tell you.  Will they out grow this?

I actually have all of my laundry done for once and put away sort of.  But I have no idea where they are/if the boys have any jeans that fit them for fall.  Thankfully after a few fallish days we have a warm snap again.  I guess Mommy has the job of sorting clothes for the weekend.  Can I tell you how much my boys HATE trying on clothes for season changes???  In the spring, I totally roped my mom into this job.  They really hate it.  I've been known to persuade with chocolate, homemade cookies or hours of our favorite movie.  Anything to get through the daunting pile of clothes.  Did I mention I hate putting away laundry?  Their dislike of this process and my dislike of putting away laundry doesn't make this one of our favorite things to do together. 

Eowyn peed on the potty again today.  Not shocking but not a routine yet.  What is surprising is that Eowyn knows Rowan's teachers name and asks to go visit her class.  Her verbal skills are way above where my boys were at this age.  She can converse on just about any topic.  It's hilarious.  Just when I'm thinking there may be a conversation I'm having that's above her she joins right in.  Needless to say, be careful what you say around the baby, she's growing out of the baby status.  Despite the fact that one of her nicknames that has stuck is Baby Girl.  It's such a common nickname that family members of mine will text me the abbreviation BG to ask how she's doing. 

It's been a crazy week but I have much to be thankful for.  All three of my kids are sleeping upstairs and happy.  I have friends and family that love me more than I ever knew.  I'm consistently surprised by how much people step to the plate when I need it. 

But tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me.  Finances are beyond tight.  Bills are due, my car's in the shop and the computer still hasn't been fixed.  I have so much to do this weekend and yet, I'm going to endeavor to take a walk in the woods, smell some roses or take a bubble bath.  And try not to borrow trouble that hasn't happened yet.  Maybe spend some time with a friend of mine. 

Happy almost Friday to you.  :-)


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A Homeless Hooker, who's loved...

In a recent interaction with someone I was both compared to a hooker and told that this person loved me all within five minutes.  This left me spinning and feeling like I was going to vomit.  A wise sage of a friend said to me her obvious reply to that would be then apparently love is not enough.  My response was something less stellar more like, "that is not okay."  In fact, that is exactly what I said.  I wish I would have had Becky's words to speak but while I'm often witty, I'm never one with a quick admonishing retort.  Can't ever think of them in that moment. 

To be honest I haven't been able to let this go this weekend.  A hooker, he compared me to a hooker, while writing me a check, to put gas in my vehicle which drives his children.  A hooker, someone, compared me to a hooker.  I can't let it go.  I felt so defiled. I know that the rational response is that anyone who would compare you to a hooker and tell you he loves you all within 5 minutes is crazy.  Duh!  I get that.  But it's one of those phrases that I don't know how to let go.  Like that knife stabbing phrase you heard on the playground in elementary school.  You haven't forgotten it, have you?  I know I didn't.  Green Giant, they used to sing to me, or they called me the Shenandoah Mountains.  All for obvious hurtful reasons.  I was tall, my last name was Green, and I developed before anyone else did.

My heart is hurting, I need to be released from this shame.  Why should I carry the words someone decides to throw at me?  I don't need to own it.  I will put it at the feet of Jesus, where my pain belongs and try not to pick it up again.  I will fail and then I'll try to remember to put it down again. 

Also, at the feet of Jesus is the pain of not knowing how much longer I have a home.  Things are far from stable and I know I have plenty of family members that would take us in so I'm not worried about literally having shelter.  But if something doesn't change soon, we won't have a home, a place to call our own.  I'm taking steps to figure out how to solve this, but the problem is insurmountable for me.  Without God's divine intervention the children and I will be kicked out of our house.  I'm not sure how long that will take to happen but it seems inevitable right now.  I have yet to find work that offsets the cost of daycare for Eowyn although I continue to look and we are desperate.  The sad thing is it doesn't seem to matter to their father how desperate our situation is.  He will still go out and spend thousands of dollars on a new computer or go shopping at the outlets for clothes with the kids.  I appreciate the clothes for the kids, but what we really need is for him to pay child support and the mortgage.

There is something called honor in this life.  It is like integrity, something that lots of people don't possess.  It involves keeping your commitments, fulfilling your responsibilities.  "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  1 Tim 5:8  It really bothers me when people throw around the name of Jesus and don't do what he says.  I do this in my life, there are many ways that I fall short but hopefully it is apparent that I'm striving.  If it isn't I endeavor to make it more so.  But it sickens me when parents say they love their families and Jesus and don't provide for their families most basic needs.  Food. Clothing. Shelter. Transportation.

I don't expect Jonathan to do otherwise.  He has never been a man of character, I don't expect that to change.  It hasn't thus far.   But I do hope that God will rescue us from this train wreck.  I believe that is something I can hope in.  And if he delays his rescue I pray he will also give me wisdom for every step I can take to be a woman of character and honor.  Regardless, I am thankful for my three littles today.  That they love Snow White and for lunch with a friend today.  Dinner on the table tonight and a good friend of mine is having a baby very soon, so I'll have some newborn sweetness to snuggle soon. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Someone's Everything...

I've been listening to country music lately, I realize many of you are cringing right this second!  I know I know, it's not the best music out there in the world.  I will freely admit to that and yet I listen to it, often.  I feel like I am admitting this in a 12 step group right now.  Hi, I'm Shannon and I listen to country music and take bubble baths, I'm a writer and yet I just finished a Nicholas Sparks' book.  Wow, maybe I do need a step program.  ;-)

I went through an Adele/Sara Barielles/Piano Guys phase a while back and now I'm in a country phase.  Maybe it's because it's nice enough to drive with windows down blare music and I don't know enough rock and roll to sing along to that.  NAH, it's because I honestly like it.  I was raised in North Carolina, what do you expect?  But to be honest if you are sad there's nothing like a country song to drown your sorrows in.  Well, maybe whiskey but I'm not a drinker.

So, there's a point to this post, although not presently clear and that is what I'm learning from country music.  I'm learning that men actually love women.  Shocking, I know.  I had no idea.  Either that or they really really want to get laid.  No, I think they love them.  The way the men who sing country music sing about women gives me this bizarre, irrational hope.  They talk about all the things they love about the women in their lives and let me whisper you a secret: all the things they love about us, they're the things we're the most insecure about.  Well, would ya look at that?!  That's amazing. 

So, deign I to hope?  For myself?  For love?  Like that?  Maybe, probably not most days.  But here's a song that I identify with because it contains some of my insecurities.  I thought the fact that he describes his wife this way with such affection was so stirring. 

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody (yep, I admit it, I'm moody sometimes)

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad  (I fight hard)
And she's a lover when she's loving (ahem)

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
'Cause she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday (still haven't broken that habit)
She's a bubble bath and candles  (recently discovered the gift of caring for myself, how did I miss this?)
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy (and yes, I can barely finish a whole glass of wine without feeling, hmm, sleepy)

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
and my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

[Repeat chorus]

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me

"She's Everything" Brad Paisley

I would love to be loved like this by a man here on this planet, who wants to see all my little imperfections as gifts but, I'm hopeful that what I learn now in this season is that God loves me imperfections and all.  He cherishes all of my little idiosyncrasies even when others find them annoying.  Including the fact that I laugh WAY TOO LOUD. I don't seem to be able to fix that, darn it.

I was going to bring more God into this post, to let you know how much I desire for him to be the center of my heart.  But I'm not going to filter for y'all tonight, even though that is the truth.  I want to be loved, well, here on this earth and single motherhood is lonely, my body is ruined and I don't feel like anyone will ever want me again.   My mounds of evidence that this is the truth don't help my lack of confidence. read here: my ex husband would rather pay hookers for sex, than sleep with me.  No, this is not my focus in my life right now, but facing the next four decades solo is scary.  I don't feel like I can do it all alone tonight, I want someone to come home at the end of the day and to chase away the reoccurring nightmares of Jonathan.  Someone to hold me.

Is this too much for you guys out there in the blog-o-sphere?  Single, not yet divorcee, admitting she would love to be romanced.  I understand it's a lot to take, but it's a lot to feel.  It's a lot to bear.  It's a lot to carry.  While my energy is elsewhere, like getting food on the table and gas in the car, 8 to 11 every night is hard and it's always alone and it's way too quiet.