Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A Homeless Hooker, who's loved...

In a recent interaction with someone I was both compared to a hooker and told that this person loved me all within five minutes.  This left me spinning and feeling like I was going to vomit.  A wise sage of a friend said to me her obvious reply to that would be then apparently love is not enough.  My response was something less stellar more like, "that is not okay."  In fact, that is exactly what I said.  I wish I would have had Becky's words to speak but while I'm often witty, I'm never one with a quick admonishing retort.  Can't ever think of them in that moment. 

To be honest I haven't been able to let this go this weekend.  A hooker, he compared me to a hooker, while writing me a check, to put gas in my vehicle which drives his children.  A hooker, someone, compared me to a hooker.  I can't let it go.  I felt so defiled. I know that the rational response is that anyone who would compare you to a hooker and tell you he loves you all within 5 minutes is crazy.  Duh!  I get that.  But it's one of those phrases that I don't know how to let go.  Like that knife stabbing phrase you heard on the playground in elementary school.  You haven't forgotten it, have you?  I know I didn't.  Green Giant, they used to sing to me, or they called me the Shenandoah Mountains.  All for obvious hurtful reasons.  I was tall, my last name was Green, and I developed before anyone else did.

My heart is hurting, I need to be released from this shame.  Why should I carry the words someone decides to throw at me?  I don't need to own it.  I will put it at the feet of Jesus, where my pain belongs and try not to pick it up again.  I will fail and then I'll try to remember to put it down again. 

Also, at the feet of Jesus is the pain of not knowing how much longer I have a home.  Things are far from stable and I know I have plenty of family members that would take us in so I'm not worried about literally having shelter.  But if something doesn't change soon, we won't have a home, a place to call our own.  I'm taking steps to figure out how to solve this, but the problem is insurmountable for me.  Without God's divine intervention the children and I will be kicked out of our house.  I'm not sure how long that will take to happen but it seems inevitable right now.  I have yet to find work that offsets the cost of daycare for Eowyn although I continue to look and we are desperate.  The sad thing is it doesn't seem to matter to their father how desperate our situation is.  He will still go out and spend thousands of dollars on a new computer or go shopping at the outlets for clothes with the kids.  I appreciate the clothes for the kids, but what we really need is for him to pay child support and the mortgage.

There is something called honor in this life.  It is like integrity, something that lots of people don't possess.  It involves keeping your commitments, fulfilling your responsibilities.  "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  1 Tim 5:8  It really bothers me when people throw around the name of Jesus and don't do what he says.  I do this in my life, there are many ways that I fall short but hopefully it is apparent that I'm striving.  If it isn't I endeavor to make it more so.  But it sickens me when parents say they love their families and Jesus and don't provide for their families most basic needs.  Food. Clothing. Shelter. Transportation.

I don't expect Jonathan to do otherwise.  He has never been a man of character, I don't expect that to change.  It hasn't thus far.   But I do hope that God will rescue us from this train wreck.  I believe that is something I can hope in.  And if he delays his rescue I pray he will also give me wisdom for every step I can take to be a woman of character and honor.  Regardless, I am thankful for my three littles today.  That they love Snow White and for lunch with a friend today.  Dinner on the table tonight and a good friend of mine is having a baby very soon, so I'll have some newborn sweetness to snuggle soon. 

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