Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Year In Review

2012 is drawing to a close.  I have never been so happy to see a year ending.  This was a rough one for me.  I think I will do several cartwheels at 12:01 next Tuesday morning, yes I can still do cartwheels.  

This year started with a miscarriage that lasted far longer than it should've.  Was immediately followed by the reveal that Jonathan was, well... Jonathan.  And has dragged on interminably with detail after painstaking detail of my divorce, moving, being homeless, carless and jobless.  I have lost friends, quite a few.  I've lost weight, not as much as I would've liked.  And I've lost a life, the only one I knew for 8.5 years.  Not to mention the car, house, source of income and good deal of pride.

I would be lying to say it wasn't a lot to lose.  I had to grieve a lot in this process.  

But there are some things that have been really great to lose:

-- In laws, I will not be in a hurry to get another set of those, nope.

-- Definitely one of the worst husbands ever known to man.

-- Guilt, shame and confusion about my marriage failing and not having any idea why.

-- The burden of trying to keep Jonathan on his feet and working and functioning!  Woo hoo for freedom from co-dependence.

-- The need to please everyone all the time, always be the one giving and never asking anything from anyone.  I have had to ask for a lot of help and that has been good for me.

-- My house, it's been hard to move on and lose it, but I knew I couldn't manage it by myself and it's very freeing to be somewhere I can manage.  

-- Fake friends, the friends that are still standing, let me tell you, they have gone through the fire with me, baby.  Thanks guys or rather... girls.

-- The need to not speak honestly about my life.  Before, I could never tell people what it was really like, I couldn't be totally honest.  Now, I shoot completely straight.  I don't tell everyone everything, but if I want to speak, I do so frankly.

-- The need to tell EVERYONE why I'm getting divorced so that all the goody two shoes won't judge me.  Judge away people.  I'm divorced.  Whatev

What I have gained:

-- A more complete picture of Christ's grace for me.  I confess that I knew what grace was before.  Now I have to LIVE in that grace.  All the time.  I fail and I need to swim in it.

-- More friends!!  I am not alone.  My circle has changed a lot over the last year, but there are people and they love me and they are not afraid of my story and me talking about it.  And, best of all THEY BELIEVE ME.  If any of you have ever experienced not having your pain or experience or abuse believed you know how incredibly painful that is.  It's pain and betrayal all wrapped in one.  

-- A freedom from fear.  I still occasionally get scared of things.  But I know what it's like to lay that down and I can say that I feel free from it.   Which is partially because I'm free from crazy man but mostly because I've found God in my fear.

-- A passion for writing.  It's a hum that my brain, spirit and fingers get.  It rocks.  I love it.  

-- A stable home. Where everyone knows what is expected and people do what they say they're going to do and if they don't; there's a cost.  Sort of like living in the real world is for most of us.  

-- Peace with myself, with God and with my family of four

-- Clarity about life and a focus for it.  And better boundaries for what are acceptable and unacceptable ways of interacting with me.  

God, I'm so thankful for the way  you have charted our course over this year.  It has been so hard God and I have cried so many tears.  But I have seen you Jesus, Spirit and Father.  I have seen you in the faces of my children.  The hands of those loving me and the feet of those who have brought us the good news.  God, you have come for us.  You have loved us.  You have helped others to love us.  Chart our course God and guide our steps.  Help me remember to point others to you each and every time I fall short and when I succeed.  Protect us Lord, keep your hand upon us.  And God please keep evil far from us.  In the precious name of Jesus.  Let it be so.  

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