|I wear this ring to honor all of my children|
|Partners, buddies, brothers and friends|
But we did eventually try again and I got pregnant again. I wasn't as nauseous in the beginning so I was sure I was going to miscarry. I didn't really let myself believe I was pregnant until 11 or 12 weeks. Of course my belief was confirmed by the beginning of me not being able to keep anything down at all. This time I felt a shift in my thinking. I really wanted a girl. I felt like my heart had healed enough that I was willing to risk a mother daughter relationship. I had been terrified of what that would mean for me before. Boys had seemed safer. But come on, really? I had two boys back to back, my thinking was that therefore I would have another boy.
And then she came into the world, my daughter named after a fictional princess, Eowyn Nate'. A princess that did what no man could do and slayed a great evil creature. I wanted my daughter to know she was not less than anyone. She could do anything anyone else could do and probably more than others could do. But she was also a princess. She was good and beautiful and perfect. She had grace and strength. Her beauty no more made her weak than her strength could cause her beauty to lessen. They both exist in balance and both are required of her in this world. They have different but important purposes.
To become the best version of herself she would have to learn to be a good steward of both. She shouldn't use her beauty to wound and wield power. Nor she should use her strength to become an overlord above others. She needs to use her beauty to heal and her strength to fight and defend the weak. Sometimes the weak will reside within her own soul and she will have to use her strength to defend the more fragile parts of herself. Sometimes she will doubt her beauty and look to others to confirm its presence. But one reminds us of the other. When she feels her strongest she will not doubt her beauty and when she embraces her beauty her strength will shine.
My daughter has reminded me of the truth I need to learn about myself. I am beautiful and I am strong. No matter how many times I was told that I was weak, insignificant and ugly and unattractive and unintelligent, if I don't believe those things about her, I should not believe them about me either. Becoming a mother has both reminded me of who I already am and stretched me into who I can become. You cannot teach your children what you don't truly believe. You teach them what they see in you, not the words that come out of your mouth. If I want my children to believe they are kind, smart and important, then I need to treat them and myself that way.
Being a mother has soften the harder edges of me but also sharpened a blade that allows me to cut out all of the useless parts more quickly. I am so thankful that becoming a mother has caused me to learn. Without learning we stagnate, and then die. There is not a neutral gear in life, you are either going forward or backwards.
You is kind, you is smart, you is important.
|Thank you beautiful smart girl...|
|for teaching me that I am too.|