Tuesday, March 18, 2014

My Own Epic Meltdown

I'm unhappy.

Well that's not totally true, I've been unhappy for a while now.

Now, I'm in pain and angry and unhappy.

Screaming at God telling him how much he totally sucks at doing his job (which is to make me happy, just in case you're wondering).  Actually I don't believe that God's job is to make me happy.  I do believe he has some type of job but it's more to be in relationship with us.  He created us to be in relationship with him, so he best make good on the deal and be in relationship with us as well.  Ignoring us is unacceptable.  Did you hear that up there? Ignoring me, IT'S UNACCEPTABLE, knock it off.

My crappy angry (only held momentarily) theology says that if you're in relationship with someone and you can do something to make that person happier especially if doing said thing would make the world an infinitely better place and you don't do it, you're not doing your job.  That is generally how I handle my relationships down here.  My kids want something, I weigh it and if it's in their best interest to give it to them, then I do.  Because I love them.  My friend needs a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or someone to tell her not to go back to that bad habit she keeps trying to drop, I do those things for her, because I love her!   See in this crappy theology I love better than God.  Trust me, my brain knows I'm wrong.  It's my heart you're hearing at the moment.

Because you see, I know how I love people.  Selflessly.  I do.  Not perfectly selflessly but I'm a mom, let's be real.  I go out of my way to call friends just to check on them even when they consistently ignore me for months.  I feed friends and extra family members any chance I get because I know they enjoy it and it makes them feel good.  I do laundry and take care of my kids and make silly faces at them because I love them.  But you see God, I know how he loved us, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son" (John 3:16 [KJV]) and then we killed his son and he knew we were going to do that.  So logically he must love us.

That's really great.  I mean don't get me wrong, it's the single most selfless thing anyone has ever done.  But today I want to say, God, what exactly is Jesus' earthly life doing for me today?  I don't feel like it's doing ANYTHING.  I'm angry and hurting and I feel like you're standing back and doing NOTHING!  I can think of 10 solutions to my current, continued, long suffering pain in 30 seconds and yet there you sit, doing nothing.  Why aren't you doing anything!!!!?????!!!!!

See God and I, we're a bit on the outs at the moment.  Which sucks because I'm in seminary for Pete's sake! There is no justice and mercy in my current situation.  I can't even ignore God if I want to because I have to read his Word every single freaking day!

Have mercy, at least let me ignore you like a normal person!  Fight fair.  I shouldn't have to listen to you every day when I'm this angry.

I feel like you're mean, and unmerciful and unloving and I'm sick to death of listening to my head tell me that I'm wrong about you while I see you ignoring my heart.  My heart says ENOUGH ALREADY.  I don't want to hear that you're "creating a good work until it's completion,"  I don't want to hear "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another,"  I don't want to hear about thanking you in the midst of trials and tribulations.


I want to see you.  I want you to do something to help me now.  And I can't make you and that just feels wrong.  I shouldn't have to make you love me!  I shouldn't have to convince you to rescue me.  You should bring justice for me all on your own because YOU LOVE ME.  Because if I had your power that is what I would do.  You created us to have a voice, you created us to be in relationship and you created us and gave us power.  Well you've taken my power, I don't want this relationship with you now and all I have left is my voice.  So let me use it and use it well.

Let me use it to tell the world, how you left me here!  You left me alone with three kids to raise.  You gave a prostitute fucking asshole all our assets and left me and the kids penniless.  You let my love be driven away by the swirling vortex of chaos that constantly inhabits my life.  You left me here.  You left me here alone, which is how I will die one day.  Alone.  I hate you.  You have nothing for me you're willing to give.  Nothing for me that will help.  All I needed was rescue and protection.  I just needed to be hid in the cleft of the rock and covered.

But you left me outside, exposed to the elements and vulnerable.  And then you let the hurricane storm on unchecked.

You haven't listened.  You don't care.  I hate you.

I might not be God, Lord knows I'd never want to be, but you.... well at least I'd have mercy on the suffering.  Your ambivalence makes me nauseous.  Leave me alone.


  1. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.

    Thomas Jefferson

    Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasjeff101717.html#bRQtz4b5TlqSsBWK.99

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