I recently read a blog post about the power of this song when sang to yourself. If you need a good cry this is definitely the one to play on repeat. It has worked very well for me for a month or two now. Tears on the edge? Turn on the song. Ahh there they are. It's a helpful coping skill for making sure the tears don't show up when you don't want them to. But after I read the other bloggers words, while my three children were tearing around my house I had another thought.
How many times do our children look up to us as parents and beg us in their mini souls to say something because they are in fact giving up on us? Giving up on being loved enough by us. Giving up on loving us enough.
How many times has my oldest looked at me and wondered does she see me? Does she love me? Can I do anything right? I need more than what I'm getting. Is my Momma going to give up on me? Say something Momma I'm giving up on you.
How many times has my middle wondered am I too much? Too intense? Too quiet at the wrong moments and too loud at others? Is my Momma going to give up on me? Say something Momma I'm giving up on you.
How many times has my youngest wandered aimlessly wondering is a loving Momma enough? Will someone delight in me? Will a man worthy of respect love me? Can Momma teach me that? What if no man loves her like that? How then will she teach me? Am I too much, too intense? Is my Momma going to give up on me? Say something Momma I'm giving up on you.
The gift and challenge of being a parent is seeing these struggles inside your children and meeting them there. Knowing that I can't answer all their doubts and questions. There are times that I will not be enough for them. I can't really know what my children are thinking. Which is probably a gift for which I should be thankful, but I remember what it's like to be a child. I remember what it is like to wonder if I'm too much and simultaneously not enough for my parents. After my sister died these thoughts plagued me for years. I remember wondering if they saw me, if they cherished me, if they loved me or if all I was was trouble.
I imagine this is a struggle and thought process common to most children. They need to learn that they are enough. They also need to learn that our love for them is enough and will never cease.
But it also is a challenge for me as a single mom. (I imagine the same could be true for married parents). There are many many many times when I want to give up. I want to give up on balancing all of the things I balance. I want to give up on building a future for my children and myself and just embrace a mundane mode of survival. I want to give up on pursuing emotional health. I want to give on praying with my children because all they do is talk and ignore me when I pray anyway. I want to give up on making this house a home. I want to give up on trying to read with them regularly. And so much more. I want to quit because I don't have whatever it is I need in me at that day or moment to not quit.
But when I look into their eyes, the windows to their little still forming hearts, I know I can not give up on me. Because giving up on me is tantamount up on them. To be honest this can suck and it can also be awesome. Sometimes it feels like drudgery. I'm dragging myself toward goals that at the moment I have no desire to achieve. I'm dragging them along with me which can weigh me down and also be like little mini bulldozers pushing me forward in the right direction.
I might want to give up. But I don't want to give up on them and I don't want them to give up on me. So I will say something, something for them....
Babies, I'm not going to quit. I want to but I won't for you guys. There's the goal, and that's where we're going. Please don't give up on me. I won't ever give up on you.