Friday, September 26, 2014

Adventures in Dating Part 2

As some of you mentioned in your FB comments (where the majority of my readers come from) one of the reasons you have not started online dating is because you have to write a profile.  Generally websites have basic questions and then a place where you talk about yourself.  Sorry folks you're not going to get to read mine.  I happen to be a writer so this wasn't a particularly intimidating part of the process for me but I understand that everyone's not made that way.  Maybe if you pay me 5 bucks and ask nicely I'll draft one for you too. ;-) 

However terrible you are at writing there are still some funny things you see in profiles and some things that make you say WHAT???  

Some of the standard questions you're asked that you have options to choose from are: 

married? divorced? never married? separated?

Have kids? (Everyone should know the answer to this one.  At least I really hope so.) From there they (the website) discreetly allow you to put whether they live with you some of the time or all of the time or none of the time.  This is all presuming you do in fact know whether or not you have children.  

Then you answer, drinking habits, smoking habits, religious affiliation.  (all of these have a 'right' answer for me).  Nothing more than a social drinker. None is the only right answer to smoking, bleck who wants to kiss that? You and Jesus gotta be cool.  

But the one that gets me every time and makes me shake my head is the question of 
wants kids?  You can answer this in a variety of ways but the options are generally chosen for you: definitely, definitely not, unsure, and someday (meaning probably yes but not right now in my estimation). 

I get people that say definitely, definitely not (clearly I'm not interested) and unsure.  In fact I'll give you a little secret my profile says unsure.  How I interpret this is these are the people that are aware that having children has an age range and perhaps we're nearing the end of it.  If they meet someone and decide that's right for them fantastic, if they don't that may or may not suck.  In my case it'll suck less because I already have three fantastic people.  

I don't get people who say they definitely don't want kids who message me but then again I just assume that they didn't read my profile and just saw a picture they liked and messaged.  

But the real kicker is always the 40+ year old man (or there abouts) who says he wants kids "someday".  Sweetheart, let me let you in on a little secret.  The clock is ticking, if you're still thinking some day you might want to have kids at 41 then you're probably not going to.  You should figure that shit out.  Because at some point the women you're dating aren't going to be able to easily have kids anymore.  It isn't rocket science people, it's actually biology.  It cracks me up every time.  Are they some superstar that thinks they're going to land a 24 year old girl to procreate with at 45?  (Kuddos to them if that happens) but really?  This is what I refer to as over grown frat boy status.  They still think it's their time to party and have fun without any commitment.  That's great, all fine well and good, but if you party for the entirety of your age bracket's years in which they can procreate you're going to be SOL for having biological children.  Just saying.  

Then there are the people who write absolutely nothing.  Not one word about themselves.  They leave it blank.  And then when they message you before you respond you go and look and it's blank there's nothing about them.  I don't respond, well except one guy but his pictures were super hot so I was pretty sure it was a fake profile and I wanted to exploit that.  

Which brings me to the topic of fake profiles.  If it looks like a stock photo, it is.  If there's only one picture of a man (or a woman) and they're super gorgeous and their profile talks about how they make a ridiculous amount of money and have a yacht and enjoy traveling to the Mediterranean regularly, it's fake. Too good to be true is always too good to be true. If they love puppies and kittens and their grandmother, just delete and keep scrolling.  

There are a couple of other gems you'll come across in the dating world.  One is being 'matched' with the ex of someone you care about.  If you're lucky it won't be your ex brother in law.  Sure, laugh at my expense.  Thanks guys.  

Another thing you'll come across that my guy friends and I have both experienced is cheating spouses.  It is super uncool when you come across a profile of someone who is married to someone you know.  Then you have a moral and ethical dilemma.  This isn't only a guy phenomena there have been plenty of wives on these websites as well.  You just have to decide what to do at that point.  

And by the way no one (except me and only because I'm training for my Tough Mudder right now) works out as often as they say they do.  The most popular lie of dating websites.  Well maybe not the most popular one.  The most popular one for guys is height.  I really hate it when they lie about this.  I'm not short and it matters!  Just own your height already.  Most popular thing women lie about?  I have no idea (other than the workout thing) but I'd love to know.  Tell me? 

Alright folks, like or comment and let me know if you want more.  I've got so many more stories. 

1 comment:

  1. Most popular female lie... is their profile picture. I am unsure when we became a generation of amazing selfie takers that can crop out the whole story with an angle, but it has happened. Athletic build... in her forearms. Can't jog to the car in the rain without getting winded... nope, that's not it either ;)


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