Thursday, January 29, 2015

History Repeats itself, what has happened, will happen again.

I hate love, and everyone who is in it.  All reminders of it.  I hate it.  And I want to forget that it exists and I wish life and everything would stop reminding me so that I could go on living my solitary existence and just get over myself and my desire for companionship.  Romance, what the fuck.  Who needs it?  Unhappily married couples may gladly inhabit my space but if you're in a budding romance or a happy relationship, please stay the fuck away from me.  I can't deal with any of that sunshiney, rainbow bullshit right now.  Enjoy it, just not around me.

I'm sick to death of crying myself to sleep at night wondering how long I will be alone.  I'm sick of proving my ex-husband right with all of the character assassinations he made about me.  Proving him right about how unattractive and fat he constantly said (and still tells my children I am).  I am sick of him being right about me.  Rejection blows.  It feels like another tally in his column.  

But the thing I am sick of the most about love... the thing that I hate about it the absolute most... is that I still want it.  I mean, I remember being 20 and so focused on looking for the love/marriage/family that I forgot to live my own life.  I have looked back on that period of my life with disdain and regret.  It led me to make terrible decisions.  It stole adventure and time from me.  If I could go back and tell my 20 year old self anything it would be: do NOT look for love.  That would be the ONE thing I would say not to do.  Not because love isn't great, well from what I have heard, but because doing so robbed me of life.  

So, why the hell do I still want it??  Why am I still walking around wondering if it's going to happen for me?  If so and when?  And how?  Why do I care?  Why can't someone tell this stupid piece of crap inside my chest that it doesn't matter anymore?  It's irrelevant and it doesn't matter.  That fantasy is not real life.  What I'm doing now, how I'm living now, this is life.  Fuck love, who needs it?  

Being alone when life is hard sucks.  Because having no one to shoulder your burdens with you sucks.  Sometimes all you want in life is a witness to your tears.  A witness to the pain, someone to make you feel like it is real and your emotions are honored.  Sometimes you want more than that.  Those stupid special gestures people supposedly do in relationships, I'm not even sure exactly what they are but I've heard about them and they sound sweet.  Or those damn butterflies that make it hard to eat and sleep, I remember those.  My therapist compared that to an extended cocaine high.  Maybe my lack of recreational drug use and my lack of love are somehow correlated.  Nope, that's not it.  

It hit me last week that this is the longest I have been single since my divorce.  The last relationship I had ended in September and I haven't been in any serious relationship since then.  I have 'tried' dating a few times but overall I have been rocking (totally not the word for it) the single life since then.  

So if I want to be in love, if I want companionship why am I not dating?  Because I quit.  Probably long before I publicly declared I quit, but I just sort of quietly gave up.  I stopped believing.  I embraced my reality, now quite longstanding, of serial rejection and decided the fairytales are all bullshit.  Stuff crafted for other people.  

This shit

This ain't for me

Yes, I'm depressed.  Yes, there is a lot more going on in my life than a lack of a suitor.  Yes, I freaking hate winter and it has messed with my head for 20 years now.  But also, I'm right.  I know,  I know, you're going to want me to hold on to hope.  You're going to want me to believe how awesome you think I am and some such other crap.  But let us be real here for a moment.  Believing anything like that HURTS ME.  It makes me feel lied to.  It makes me feel unworthy.  It makes me feel all of the opposite things of how you think it should make me feel.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" it's in the Bible look it up and please don't quote me the rest of the verse, unless you relish kicking a girl when she's down.  The whole: he's not ready for you yet, your time will come and it'll be amazing, OH MY GOD, does that ever help anyone???!!!!!  No!  It doesn't.

Before you come to me with your reassurances and it'll be okays etc, sit in my house alone at night for a week carrying all the concerns, fears, problems of my life.  And then realize I have been doing that for 3 years.  I don't need assurances.  I need a witness to the pain, just as we all do.   And love, you can go suck eggs.