But as I age, grow, and hopefully learn, I am more prone to wonder. While I feel overwhelmed trying to process 49 people killed by one man in one evening, that is as it should be. That should not be logically digestible information. I wonder why there is so much here and now that is not as it should be. I'm not looking for a solution, gun control, stricter laws for sentencing, dead alligators and gorillas. Ultimately, those are physical solutions that are not full proof and will do nothing in the face of a spiritual problem. We are all bankrupt at some level. History has shown us, mass murders occurred long before machine guns. My own family's history shows us you don't need a vicious animal to senselessly kill a small child, a car and negligent driver will do just fine. Life does not make sense. Evil exists on this planet. Justice and fairness are things we attempt to strive for but that humanity has never once and will never attain.
Does that make all of this meaningless? Should we simply surrender to the madness? Arm ourselves to the teeth and lock our children inside? Is that the solution?
Or will we give ourselves enough time to pause? We will process our grief, our profound disappointment at the world we inhabit? Will we allow ourselves to admit that maybe we don't really know the solution? Is it simply okay to be horrified and really sorry for those affected by these tragedies?
What do we get out of racing for a solution? What do we get out of the rhetoric? What does the blame game that imperfect parents suffer under profit us? Does it help me to have them hear my criticism and have to live with those words for the rest of their lives while grieving the loss of their child?
What we get is an excuse to stop feeling. We no longer have to feel impotent in the face of tragedy. We don't have to worry for the safety of our own loved ones. We don't have to feel culpable in the face of a broken (in)justice system. The rhetoric, the relentless digestion of articles allows us to fully engage our brains without touching the heart level discomfort.
I wonder, if there is a middle way? Perhaps it's okay to sit in the wake of all of this horror and just be. Be scared. Be silent. Be angry. Be concerned. Be confused. Be sympathetic. Can we allow ourselves that luxury? Because by not allowing it we only ever are able to listen with our heads. And from what I have seen our heads aren't going to get us out of any of this. We have to stop being so consumed by the endless flood of information. It sickens us. It limits our own creative thinking. It absolutely shuts down our ability be, to process, to stop. How do we teach our children to live in a world, when all we are modeling is the digestion of material?
Maybe if there's anything constructive we can do in this moment it is to feel, to be with one another. No solutions, no politics or blame. Just be there, knowing that as humans, most of us are really sorry that any of this happened. Maybe what we need most is one another. Especially when the temptation is to sit in our respective "camps" divisively arguing over "solutions." I have nothing profound to say to the families of the victims in Orlando except, I am so so sorry. I can not condemn imperfect parents, I am one. I would much rather cry with/for them. And when I think over the abhorrent (in)justice system with its latest debauchery, all I can think about is my culpability as a citizen in this country. I feel sorrow, regret and impotency. But I can be here. I can feel the things and not run from them. I hope some of you can do the same. The invitation to a full life is never through our head, it always begins in our heart.